Joe was known as a stingy bastard, so when he died it quickly went around town that Joe’s will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
“Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said.
“You told me about the $30,000 in the will,” replied her friend Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “But how much did this really cost?”
“All of it,” said Helen. “Thirty thousand!”
“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”
“The funeral was $6,500,” Helen answered. “The wake, food and drinks were another $1,000. The rest went for the memorial stone.”
Jody computed quickly. “Wait; $22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!”
Helen held up her hand: “Three and a half carats.”
“Is there anything wrong?” asked the bartender of the young, well-dressed customer who sat staring grimly into his drink.
“Two months ago my grandfather died and left me one hundred thousand dollars,” said the man.
“That doesn’t sound like anything to be upset about,” said the bartender. “It should happen to me.”
“Yeah,” said the sour young man, “but last month an uncle on my father’s side passed away. He left me ninety-five thousand dollars.”
“So why are you sitting here looking so unhappy?” asked the bartender.
“This month – so far – not a cent.”
A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana.
He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, “I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of.”
“Ok,” says the bartender. “How ’bout ‘Blue Moon’?”
The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon.
“That’s amazing,” says the bartender as he slaps down $1000.
“I’ll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to.”
“Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You’re on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner.”
The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner.
As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, “I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000.”
The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left.
The bartender said “What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!”
The man said, “Oh, the iguana can’t sing. The frog’s a ventriloquist.”