A guy sits down at a bar. “Is everything okay?” the bartender asks.
“My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”
The bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s a good thing… a little peace and quiet?”
“Yeah but today is the last day.”
Three wives were bemoaning their husbands’ attitudes towards leftovers. “It gets rough,” one said. “My husband is a movie producer and he calls them ‘re-runs’.”
“You think you have it bad,” was the reply. “Mine is a quality control engineer and he calls them ‘rejects’!”
“That’s nothing compared to me,” said the third lady. “My husband is a mortician. He calls them ‘remains’!”
A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.”
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, “The wife did it.”