I think we’ve had this before?
Three little ducks waddle into a bar.
“Good afternoon!” the bartender says to the first duck. “What’s your name?”
“Huey,” the duck says.
“How’s your day been, Huey?”
“Great. Lovely day. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?” said Huey.
“That’s nice,” said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, “And what’s your name?”
“Dewey,” came the answer from duck number two.
“So how’s your day been, Dewey?” he asked.
“Great. Lovely day. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?”
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, “So, you must be Louie?”
“No,” she said, batting her eyelashes. “My name is Puddles.”
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, “You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea what some people will do to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?”
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really ARE Einstein!” he says. “Welcome to heaven!”
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”
Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.”
Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!” he says. “Come on in!”
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees Donald Trump. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”
Trump looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”
Saint Peter sighs and says, “Come on in, Donald.”
And, speaking of Heaven . . .
A Variation on an Old Favourite
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”
St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”
The alternative punchline:
St Peter replied. “Well, we’ve never had a lawyer here before!”