Not sure if these are real but it wouldn’t surprise me. The comments are not mine.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (And that’s the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (And that would be how???….)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”(But, it’s “just” a suggestion).
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): “Do not turn upside down.”(Well… .Duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.”(… And you thought????…)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.”(But wouldn’t this save me more time?)
On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (And… I’m taking this because???….)
On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.”(As opposed to… what?)
On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.”(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts.” (Talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: maybe, uh… fly Delta?)
On a child’s superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (… Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
This originally came from my friend Julie:
The teacher was telling an infant class of children about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, “Are you sure about the stork, Miss? I think you’re getting your birds mixed up ‘cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag in Scarborough……..”
I think this might have come originally from my father.
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you’ll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will. (Penny is very familiar with this phenomena, especially if the machine is a computer).
Law of Bio-mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
Brown’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s really ugly.
Wilson’s Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, or change it for the worse.