Category: Amusements

I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time. My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the waitress brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking.

She poured a small amount for me to taste, and then our six- year-old piped up, “Mom usually drinks a lot more than that!” Continue reading “7 June 2020 – Amusements”

Today is payday. I just did a little budget to see how much spending cash I’m going to have left over after I pay my bills.

And since I can’t go out to eat, I can’t go shopping for anything except groceries, I can’t get a haircut, I can’t go see a movie, I can’t go to a casino and I can’t travel anywhere, it looks like my beer budget just went up by 1200 percent. Continue reading “31 May 2020 – Amusements”

For my brother Steph who reminded me of one of my favourite jokes last week:

A gorilla is walking through the jungle one day and comes across a lion bent over a small stream taking a drink. The gorilla thinks for a moment how he can get one over on the “king of the jungle.” He carefully sneaks up to the lion, leaps on his back and has his way with him.

When he is finished the gorilla takes off running with a very angry lion hot on his hills. As they run through the jungle the gorilla gets a bit of a lead and suddenly comes across a British safari camp.

Thinking quickly the gorilla grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He quickly sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, “Did anyone see a gorilla run through here?”

The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, “Do you mean the one that fucked a lion up the ass?”

The lion exclaims, “Oh my God! It’s in the paper already?” Continue reading “24 May 2020 – Amusements”

I know we’ve had it before but this is the kind of conversation Penny & I have all the time . . .

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table this morning when I got in one of those maudlin moods.

I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”

“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.

“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff.”

She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?” Continue reading “17 May 2020 – Amusements”

Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library. “You know,” said Melba, “today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don’t use the word ‘obey’ anymore.”

“Too bad, isn’t it?” retorted Ken. “It used to lend a little humor to the occasion.” Continue reading “10 May 2020 – Amusements”

My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that’s a different story.

We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, “Who is making these allegations?”

My boss stood up and proclaimed, “I am the alligator, your honor.” Continue reading “3 May 2020 – Amusements”

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

“What happened Paddy?” she asks anxiously.

“What happened? I’ll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”

“Ah now, calm down, calm down, Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”

Minutes later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

“Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation… she never got your email!” Continue reading “26 April 2020 – Amusements”

A man and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. Finally he shouted at her, “And you know what? You aren’t so hot in bed either!” then stormed off to work.

By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. “What took you so long to answer?” he asked.

“I was in bed,” she replied.

“What were you doing in bed this late?”

“Getting a second opinion.” Continue reading “19 April 2020 – Amusements”

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children’s sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand…

The pastor called on him and the little boy said, “I’m not sure, but I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.” Continue reading “12 April 2020 – Amusements”

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this!” and she goes downstairs.

She finally comes back up to bed and her husband asks, “The dog is STILL barking, what were you doing out there?”

The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard. Let’s see how THEY like it!” Continue reading “5 April 2020 – Amusements”