Greg's Occasional News & Views
One week before her wedding, a mother pulls aside her daughter (and bride-to-be). She says, “I will now give you the advice that has been passed down from generation to generation, from woman to woman.”
The daughter listened attentively, curious as to what the advice would be.
The mom continued, “Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.”
We’ve had these before but they deserve another outing . . .
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.”
The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him.
The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died.”
St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.
“Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!”
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
“Tell me about the day you died,” he said to the third man in line.
“OK, picture this, I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator….”
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 if we fail to fill your order! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant ears on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen.
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer’s table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, “You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that’s the first time in ten years we’ve been out of rye bread!”
Continue reading “23 August 2026 – Amusements”A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband’s car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend, “Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband’s home early!”
The boyfriend looked out the window and said, “It’s raining out there!”
She said, “If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!”
So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he began running down the street, he discovered he had run right in the middle of a town marathon, so he started running along beside the others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could.
One of the runners asked him, “Do you always run in the nude?”
He answered, while gasping for air, “Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.”
The next runner then asked the nude man, “Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?”
The nude man answered breathlessly, “Oh, yes, that way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
A third runner asked, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”
Without missing a beat he replied, “Only when it’s raining.”
Continue reading “16 August 2026 – Amusements”Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well deserved complaining and self-pitying.
She moaned to her mom and her younger brother, “Nobody loves me…the whole world hates me!”
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word… “That’s not true, Mary. Some people don’t even know you.”
I’m pretty sure we’ve had these before – you can tell I am running out of material – please send whatever you can – obviously I am desperate!
A very confident Marine Corps Pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
The Pilot says, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties….”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”
The Fighter Pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast.”
Continue reading “2 August 2026 – Amusements”Catching her in the act, I confronted our three-year-old granddaughter, “Are you eating your little sister’s grapes?” I demanded.
“No,” she innocently replied, “I’m helping her share.”
We’ve had it before but it still makes me chuckle (and, after all, that’s the only criteria that matters):
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. “It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!”
The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”
A couple of old guys in Palm Desert were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Smith for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly buddy remarked that he too had gone to the very same dentist two years before.
“Is that so?” asked the first old guy. “Did he do a good job?”
The second oldster replied, “Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 100 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles.”
The first old guy was confused and asked, “What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?”
“It was the first time my teeth didn’t hurt…”
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. “Certainly, sir, that’ll be one cent,” says the bartender.
“One cent!?” exclaimed the guy.
The bartender replied, “Yes, One cent.”
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?”
“Certainly sir,” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.”
“How much money?” inquires the guy.
“Four cents,” he replies.
“Four cents?!” exclaims the guy. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”
The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?”
The bartender replies, “Same thing I’m doing to his business.”