Greg's Occasional News & Views
Mr. Trent always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for four thirty on Friday afternoons.
When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained. “I will tell you why … I’ve learned that’s the only time of the week when none of you seem to want to argue with me.”
Continue reading “10 May 2026 – Amusements”While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said, “Well, as I see it, most politicians are ‘Post Tortoises’.”
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post tortoise’ was.
The old farmer said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s a post tortoise.”
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.”
Continue reading “3 May 2026 – Amusements”Sue phones her husband at work, “Dan, do you have time for a chat?”
“Sorry, darling, this is not a good time – I’m about to go into a board meeting.”
“But this won’t take long,” Sue says, “I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news.”
“I really haven’t the time,” says Dan, “so just quickly tell me the good news.”
“Oh, all right then, the good news is that the airbag on your brand new Mercedes works very well.”
Continue reading “26 April 2026 – Amusements”I was walking through the woods the other day when I came across a suitcase lying on the ground. When I opened it I discovered three fox cubs. I immediately rang the local animal rescue centre to get some advice.
“Are the fox cubs moving?” the person on the telephone asked.
“I’m not sure,” I replied, “but that would explain the suitcase.”
Continue reading “19 April 2026 – Amusements”A lawyer had recently undergone some major surgery at his local hospital. When he awoke after the surgery he noticed that the curtains were drawn and he was unable to see out the window.
He asked the nurse attending him why the curtains were drawn.
The nurse replied, “Well, the building on the other side of the street is on fire and we didn’t want you to wake up and think that the surgery had been unsuccessful.”
This originally came from my father some years ago.
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
“Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
“Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter?”
Continue reading “5 April 2026 – Amusements”A woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?” She replied: “a can of peaches.” The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 5. The judge then said, “I will give you 5 days in jail.”
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, “What is it?”
The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”
Continue reading “29 March 2026 – Amusements”As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.
One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife “What’s up with all the bills?”
To which his wife replies, “Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are.”
Continue reading “22 March 2026 – Amsuements”Up in Yorkshire
A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, ‘That’s about average in Yorkshire … like I said, my boy’s a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.’ Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of ‘WOW!’ One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, ‘Say, aren’t you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody’s been making bets about how big he’d be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?’
The proud father answers, ‘Twenty pounds.’ The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. ‘What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!’
The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith’s Bitter Beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
‘Had him circumcised…’
Continue reading “15 March 2026 – Amusements”My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20’s, and the man she was dating left for war. “We were in love,” she recalled, “and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was.”
“Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?” I asked.
“Oh, I didn’t marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman.”