Category: Amusements

A C-141 cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland, and they were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft’s sewage holding tank.

The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded:

“Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I’m stationed in Thule, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?” Continue reading “17 January 2016 – Amusements”

A child asked his father, “How were people born?”

So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”

His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.” Continue reading “10 January 2016 – Amusements”

Men between 60 and 80 years of age, will, on average, have sex two or three times per week, (and a small number a lot more) whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only  once or twice per year if they are lucky.

This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my mates, as none of us had any idea we were Japanese. Continue reading “3 January 2016 – Amusements”

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.

I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”

“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.

“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff.”

She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?” Continue reading “27 December 2015 – Amusements”

Vicky was at a business conference.

During a break, she decided to call home collect.

Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have Vicky on the line. Will you accept the charges?”

Frantic, the six-year-old dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, “Dad! They have Mom! And they want money!” Continue reading “20 December 2015 – Amusements”

A variation on a popular theme.

Satan was complaining bitterly to God: “You made the world so that it was not fair.”

And God said, “Yes.”

“And you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes.”

And God said, “Yes.”

“Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault.”

And God said, “Uh huh. So?”

“Sure, I’m evil, but give me a break. Can’t you do something to make them stop blaming me?”

And so God created lawyers. Continue reading “13 December 2015 – Amusements”

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at a country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter.

When it was finally time for his annual vacation, he headed to the inn with hopes of continuing where he left off.

After he arrived, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover next to his door — with an infant on her lap!

“Brittany, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”

“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’, and finally decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.” Continue reading “6 December 2015 – Amusements”

These came from our friend Erik Benson.

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

~Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office

~Aesop~

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.

~Will Rogers~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

~Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.

~Clarence Darrow~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.

~Author unknown~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

~John Quinton~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

~Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.

~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

~ Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.

~Charles de Gaulle~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

~Doug Larson~

There ought to be one day — just one — when there is open season on Congressmen.

~Will Rogers~ Continue reading “29 November 2015 – Amusements”

Four southern ladies were sitting around having Bloody Marys and talking about how much their husbands loved them.

The first one says, “My husband loves me so much that he bought me a diamond ring.” But, of course, she was in such a hurry she forgot her rings, but all the women still said, “Oh, how nice.”

The second woman says, “Well, my husband loves me so much he got me a fur coat.” But it was the middle of July and too hot to wear a coat, but still all the ladies said, “Oh, how nice.”

So then the third woman says, “Well, my husband loves me so much he bought me a Mercedes-Benz.” And, of course, she was being chauffeured in the family Buick.

So they all looked at the fourth woman and said, “Well, honey, how much does your husband love you?”

She replied, “He loves me so much that he bought me lessons to a charm school so I could learn to say ‘Oh, how nice’ instead of sarcastically saying ‘Oh, ya, right’ after everything you ladies say.” Continue reading “22 November 2015 – Amusements”

Joe was known as a stingy bastard, so when he died it quickly went around town that Joe’s will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

“Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said.

“You told me about the $30,000 in the will,” replied her friend Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “But how much did this really cost?”

“All of it,” said Helen. “Thirty thousand!”

“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”

“The funeral was $6,500,” Helen answered. “The wake, food and drinks were another $1,000. The rest went for the memorial stone.”

Jody computed quickly. “Wait; $22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!”

Helen held up her hand: “Three and a half carats.” Continue reading “15 November 2015 – Amusements”