The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”
“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.
“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff.”
She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”
What I’ve Learned By Having Boys
My mother raised three handsome, articulate and intelligent boys. Although a lot of this stuff (microwaves, VCRs) didn’t really exist in our childhoods, I’ve no doubt my mother could compile a similar list. It would probably be twice as long.
- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.
- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
- A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.
- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
- The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
- When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh oh” it’s already too late.
- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
- A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
- Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
- Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
- Super glue is forever.
- No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can’t walk on water.
- Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
- VCRs do not eject “PB & J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
- You probably DO NOT want to know what that odour is.
- Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
- The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
- It will, however, make cats dizzy.
- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
- 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
- Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
I think we’ve had something similar to this before:
Where to live after retirement
You can Live in California where…
- You make over $250,000 a year and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
- The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
- You know how to eat an artichoke.
- You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
- When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
- The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
You can Live in New York City where…
- You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
- You think Central Park is a “nature area”.
- You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
- You’ve worn out a car horn.
- You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where…
- You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
- Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
- You have more than one recipe for moose.
- Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with fewer than eight buttons.
- The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where…
- You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
- “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
- “He needed killin'” is a valid legal defense.
- Everyone has two first names — Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
You can live in Colorado where…
- You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
- You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
- A pass does not involve a football or dating.
- The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where…
- You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
- Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
- You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
- You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”
- When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”
Or you can live in Florida where…
- You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
- All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
- Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
- Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
- Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.