My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn’t find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”
The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”
An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Bob had carved “I love you, Libby.”
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing on their feet. Libby quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money — fifty-thousand dollars.
Bob said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
Libby said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. “Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?”
Libby said, “No.”
Bob said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
Libby said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
The agents turn to Bob and began to question him.
One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
Bob said, ‘Well, when Libby and I were walking home from school yesterday…. ‘
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, “We’re outta here.”
After being arrested after a wild blondes-only party in town, Carol and Amy were sentenced to community service: helping to build a house for Habitat for Humanity.
Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Amy, figuring this was worth looking into, comes over to ask, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”
Carol explained, “When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.”
“You moron!” Amy yelled. “Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”