Category: Amusements

I’d just come out of a Supermarket with a roasted chicken, French fries, large chips, and a 12 pack of beer.

A poor homeless man sat on the curb and said to me as I passed by, “I haven’t eaten for two days!”

I told him, “That’s great. I wish I had your will power.” Continue reading “21 July 2019 – Amusements”

A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. “Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.”

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?” Continue reading “14 July 2019 – Amusements”

Murphy and his wife went for a stroll in the park. They sit down on a bench to rest for a while. Soon they overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby. Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy realizes that a young man is about to propose. Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudges her husband and whispers, “Whistle, to let that young couple know that someone can hear them.”

To which Murphy replies, “Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me?” Continue reading “7 July 2019 – Amusements”

Part of my job as a 911 dispatcher is to interrogate callers who are in various states of panic so I can send the appropriate emergency equipment.

One day a woman called to say that a family member had fallen and needed to go to a hospital. After finding out where she lived and assuring her that the paramedics would arrive shortly, I asked her, “Do you know what caused the fall?”

“No,” the woman nervously replied. “What?” Continue reading “30 June 2019 – Amusements”

Our Supply Clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH!

Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analysed.

When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box. Inside were 250 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH! Continue reading “23 June 2019 – Amusements”

In the British documentary 56 Up, a man shared that he had earned a law degree at Oxford. Then, in his thick English accent, he proudly proclaimed that he was now a “barrister.”

My 13-year-old daughter wasn’t impressed. “So,” she said, “he spent all that effort getting an Oxford law degree, and now he works at Starbucks?” Continue reading “16 June 2019 – Amusements”

Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea.

She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he’d meet, and so on.

When the first day came, Tommy eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.

The next morning when his mother woke him up, he asked, “What for?” She told him it was time to get ready for school.

“What?” he asked. “Again?” Continue reading “9 June 2019 – Amusements”

There exists a widespread myth that humans should learn about sex from their parents. My relationship with my father nearly ended when he tried to teach me how to drive. I can’t imagine our relationship having survived his instructing me how to have sex. Continue reading “2 June 2019 – Amusements”

I was in a pub last Saturday night, and after drinking a few I noticed two very robust-looking women at the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snapped back, saying, “It’s Wales, you idiot!”

I immediately apologised. “I’m sorry,” I said, “are you two whales from Ireland?” Continue reading “26 May 2019 – Amusements”

“Jim, why don’t you play golf with Steve anymore?” asked a friend.

“Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you weren’t watching?” Jim asked.

“Well, no, I suppose not,” admitted the friend.

“Neither will Steve,” replied Jim. Continue reading “12 May 2019 – Amusements”