Greg's Occasional News & Views
A man invites his friend back home for dinner. The wife pulls him into the bedroom and hisses at him, “I haven’t fixed my hair, done my make-up, I haven’t even done any housework much less cook any dinner! Why the fuck did you invite him around for?”
“Because he’s thinking about getting married.” Continue reading “24 February 2019 – Amusements”
An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at person and tell that person’s age. The Irishman was very sceptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. “Is that right?” he asked the boy.
“Oh yes.” the boy said.
The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.
The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn’t believe, turned back around and stomped his foot twice.
Whereupon the Irishman stumbled back and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, “BeGabbers, he’s right! Farty-two!” Continue reading “17 February 2019 – Amusements”
One March day my wife said that the house needed painting.
“It’s still winter,” I replied. “Forget it.”
In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex. I said that it was still too cold to paint.
In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and we set up the ladder so she could start painting. Then I went inside to get a beer. As I sat in a lawn chair not far from where my wife was working, a neighbor passed by. “Aren’t you ashamed?” she asked. “How can you sit there drinking beer while your wife is up on a ladder painting the house?”
Glancing up at my wife, I responded, “She doesn’t like beer.” Continue reading “10 February 2019 – Amusements”
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, “Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?”
Doctor says, “You’re not drinking enough water.” Continue reading “3 February 2019 – Amusements”
“The thrill is gone from my marriage,” Bill told his friend Doug.
“Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?” Doug suggested.
“I just don’t think I can do that to my wife.”
“Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!”
So Bill went home and said, “Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together.”
“Forget it,” said his wife. “I’ve tried it so many times and it’s never worked.” Continue reading “27 January 2019 – Amusements”
Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co-worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.
As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.
“Not really,” Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, “I only bought a little pot.” Continue reading “20 January 2019 – Amusements”
During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signalled a car to pull over to the curb.
When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.
“Does your dog have a license?” he asked.
“Oh, no,” the man said, “He doesn’t need one; I always do the driving.” Continue reading “13 January 2019 – Amusements”
I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a “social session” with family or friends.
Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several beers followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and vodka shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit. That’s when I did something I’ve never done before…. I took a taxi home.
Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but as it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don’t know where I got it, and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it..
So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call. Continue reading “6 January 2019 – Amusements”
Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
He replied, “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. Continue reading “30 December 2018 – Amusements”
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honour of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
“It represents a candle,” he said.
“You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolise?”
The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.” Continue reading “23 December 2018 – Amusements”