A Spanish man goes into a department store looking for a specific item of clothing. But he can’t find what he’s looking for and he doesn’t know the English word for it. So he grabs a salesperson and says, “Tienes calcetines?”
“I’m sorry, I don’t know what that is,” the salesperson says.
The guy tries again. “Medias?” He asks, miming pulling up socks. The salesperson brings him to the trouser section.
“No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero medias, calcetines,” he says.
And so it goes for nearly an hour. Finally, almost by accident, the salesperson leads him to the sock section. The Spanish guy, excited, points and shouts, “Eso sí que es!”
The salesperson’s jaw drops and he says, “Well, why didn’t you TELL me you knew how to spell it?”
[I had a similar experience in Spain one time, years ago before Google translate. I needed some socks, went into a farily largeish department store and, similarly not knowing the Spanish word for “socks” mimed pulling up a pair of socks. Thankfully, my miming must have been very good because the salesperson directed me straight to the socks section. I still wouldn’t remember the word though.]
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It”s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
10. If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean l am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
19. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test. “Here’s your first question,” the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”
“Withouta numbers?” the Italian says, “Datsa easy,” and he proceeds to draw three trees.
“What’s this?” the boss asks.
“Ave you gotta no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,” says the Italian.
“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. “Ere you go!”
The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
“Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, its dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99!”
The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere you go. One hundred.”
The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, “A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?”