It was the day before a big presidential election primary, and hordes of candidates from both parties arrived to campaign. As environmentalism was identified as a major issue in the state, the candidates curried favor by deciding to ride from town to town in the same bus.
All went well until sunset, when the bright sun on the horizon blinded the bus driver at a critical curve on a rural road. The driver missed the curve and the bus overturned. A farmer saw it happen and drove over in his tractor to help.
Two hours later, the farmer was back at his farmhouse and called the sheriff to report the accident.
“What took you so long to call?!” demanded the sheriff.
“I had to bury them all,” the farmer said.
“What?!” the panicked sheriff screamed. “They were all dead? Every single candidate for president?!”
“Well,” the farmer drawled, “they were politicians, after all.”
“What do you mean?” the sheriff said.
“Well, some of ’em said they weren’t dead, but you know you can’t trust anything a politician says.”
A dog lover, whose bitch was ‘in heat’ agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while they were away on holiday.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart, but as she was drifting off to sleep one night, she heard awful howling sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious stress and unable to disengage, as can sometimes happen when they mate.
She was unable to separate them and was worried as what to do next. Although it was late at night, she called the Vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the Vet advised, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the sound of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw.”
“Do you think that will work?” she asked doubtfully.
“Why not? It just did for me.” He replied.
It’s amazing how obsessed everyone’s become with their phones, playing with their phones all the time — at restaurants, movies, gym (so I’ve heard), while driving, eating, walking, talking.
The other day I was at a funeral when the person next to me asked me, “Rabbi, what’s the Wi-Fi password at the cemetery?”
I told him, “Have some respect for the dead!”
“Thank you Rabbi,” the person replied.
After a pause, he asked, “Is that all lower case?”