A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What’s up?” he asks.
“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“You bastard!” says the husband. “My wife’s having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?”
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
“Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'”
One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook?”
This from my friend Julie
A man goes into the doctor’s office feeling a little ill.
The doctor checks him over and says, “Sorry, I have some bad news. You have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It’s called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There’s no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.”
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he’s never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320 Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, “Son, I’ve been here 20 years and I’ve never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!”
“Lucky!?” he screamed. “Lucky? I’ll have you know I’ve got Yellow 24.”
“F*** me,” says the bingo caller. “You’ve won the meat raffle as well!!”