This originally came from my father:
MURPHY’S OTHER LAWS
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
- He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
- A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
- The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
- It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
- The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
- Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
- The shin bone: a device for finding furniture.
- When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
A man arrives in Heaven and appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter looks over his paperwork. The guy looks OK, but he wants to be sure. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asks.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man replies. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers threatening a young woman. I warned them to leave her alone.”
“That’s impressive,” the gatekeeper says. “Then what happened?”
“Well, they wouldn’t back off, so I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now back off, biker boy, or you’ll answer to me!”
“That’s really brave,” St. Peter said, clearly impressed. “But I don’t have it in your paperwork. When did this happen?”
“Let’s see,” the man says, looking at his watch. “About a minute and a half ago.”
This also originally came from my father:
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, “I can’t, it’s Lent.”
In tears, she retorted, “Well, that’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?”