When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed, with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship might be a possibility between us.
“So what changed your mind?” I asked him.
“I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He looked at my chart and said, ‘You’re interested in someone who’s 104?!'”
A man goes into the home improvement store and says, “I’d like to order 5,000 finishing bricks.”
“Certainly,” says the salesman, “Are they for a garage?”
“No,” says the man; “They’re for a barbecue.”
“Why do you need so many bricks for a barbecue?” asks the salesman.
“Well,” says the man, “we live in a 3rd floor flat.”
Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, frequently humorous.
- Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
- Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
- We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
- War does not determine who is right–only who is left.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
- In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
- You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
- To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
- Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
- I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.