All of these witticisms came from Penny’s sister J – thanks!
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector which shuts off when you yell, “I’m just cooking!”
I’ve been watching my weight. It’s still there.
I’m in a WalMart parking lot watching a woman who can’t remember where she parked her car. Everytime she holds her remote in the air, I honk my horn.
It turns out that when you’re asked which is your favourite child, you’re supposed to pick one of your own. I know that now.
At my age rolling out of bed is the easy part. Getting off the floor is a whole other story.
One thing no one ever talks about when it comes to being an adult, is how much time we debate keeping a box because, it’s, you know . . . a really good box.
Being a little older I am very fortunate to have someone call and check on me each day. He is from India and he is very concerned about my car warranty.
Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.
Anyone remember the good old days before Facebook, Instagram and Twitter? When you had to take a photo of your dinner, then get the film delivered, then go around to all your friends’ houses to show them the picture of the dinner? No? Me neither.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck, but through hard work and perserverance I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Do you sometimes feel like your body’s check engine light has been on and you’re still driving it like, “Nah, it’ll be fine.”
When I say “the other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
A giraffe’s coffee would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat. Ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I’ve reached that point in my life where my brain goes from, “You probably shouldn’t say that,” to “What the heck, let’s see what happens.”
Brain: I see you are trying to sleep. Can I offer you a selection of your worst memories from the last 10 years?
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think of was, “I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.”
If a woman says, “Do what you want,” DO NOT DO WHAT YOU WANT. Stand still. Do not blink. Don’t even breathe. Just play dead.
How to parallel park: 1) Park somewhere else.
The biggest lie I tell myself is, “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game.
You drop something when you were younger and you pick it up. When you’re older and you drop something, you stare at it for a bit contemplating if you actually need it anymore.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I don’t now how to use TikTok, but I can write cursive, do long division and tell the time on clocks with hands. So, there’s that.
I saw a sign in a store window which reads, “We treat you like family.” Yup, I’m not going in there.