If Carl sleeps six hours and requires two cups of coffee before he will get the baby, and Virginia sleeps four hours in 20-minute increments on the floor next to the baby, how many times can Carl tell Virginia he’s “so tired” before she schedules his vasectomy?
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.
“Hello.”
“Is your daddy home?” he asked.
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?”
The child whispered, “No.”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes.”
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A helicopter,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed the helicopter.”
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle, “Me.”
I know, we’ve had it before but it’s still cute:
A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, “What will it be?”
The man replied “I’ll have a burger and a coke.”
“And you?”
“I’ll have the same,” the ostrich replies.
They finish their meal and pay.
“That will be $4.50,” the waitress says.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount. They do this every day until Friday.
“The usual?” she asks.
“No, today is Friday. I’ll have steak and a coke.”
“Me too.” says the ostrich. They finish and pay. “That will be $10.95”
The man reaches in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress is dumb-founded. “How is it that you always have the exact amount?”
“Well,” says the man. “I was cleaning my attic one day and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared.
“Wow!” said the waitress. “What did you wish for?”
“I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket.”
“Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what’s with the ostrich?”
“Well,” said the man. “I also asked for a chick with long legs.”