How to get to Heaven from Scotland
I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven. I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?”
“NO!” the children answered
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?”
Again, the answer was ‘No!’
By now I was starting to smile. “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?”
Again, they all answered ‘No!’
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, “Then how can I get into heaven?”
A six year old boy shouted, “Ye got tae be fookin’ dead”
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of Myer’s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.”
“What type of bra?” asked the clerk.
“Type?” inquires the man, “There’s more than one type?”
“Look around,” said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.
“Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.”
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied: “There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?”
Now, totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright and the Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.”
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn’t figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A) Almost Boobs…
(B) Barely there…
(C) Can’t Complain!..
(D) Dang!…
(DD) Double dang!…
(E) Enormous!…
(F) Fake…
(G) Get a Reduction…
(H) Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!
They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern furiously pounding shots of whiskey. His friend happens to come into the bar and sees him.
“Lou,” says the shocked friend, “what are you doing? I’ve known you for over fifteen years, and I’ve never seen you take a drink before. What’s going on?”
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, “My wife just ran off with my best friend.”
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
“But,” says the other man, “I’m your best friend!”
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles and then slurs, “Not anymore… He is!”