Many patients call the pathology group where I am office manager to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman demanded that I describe every laboratory test on her statement.
Reluctantly, I complied. Starting with the first test on her bill. I read, “No. 1, urinalysis.”
She interrupted me at once. “I’m a what?”
A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse’s trainer. The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has in training. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn’t win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.
The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.
The race begins and the horse is 30 lengths behind the pack after only half a furlong! He gives the horse a great backhand on the rump.
Nothing.
He then gives him a series of sharp slaps on the shoulder.
Nothing.
He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.
The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says, “Will you stop it with that whip! I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver the milk”!
We’ve had it before but it’s still cute.
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband’s libido.
“What about trying Viagra?” asks the doctor.
“Not a chance,” she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin!”
“Not a problem,” replied the doc. “Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”
It wasn’t a week later that she called the doctor, who inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!”
“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants abulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”
“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?”
“Oh, no, no, no, Doctor, the sex was fine indeed! Twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”