We’ve had a variation of this first one before . . .
A man wearing a MAGA baseball cap was seated next to a woman on an airplane. He turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go more quickly if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The woman, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the man. “How about those children whose parents get them vaccinated becoming autistic.”
“Okay,” she said. “This could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The man, visibly surprised by the woman’s question, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the woman replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss science and medicine, when you don’t know shit?”
A man and a woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip. They felt weird at first, but they both fell asleep in their separate beds.
After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, “Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I’m really cold.”
The woman responds, “Or, we could just pretend to be married for the night?”
The man replies, “That would be amazing.”
The woman smiles and says, “Okay. Get your own fucking blanket!”
Hearing that her elderly grandfather had died, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year-old grandmother.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack when we were having sex on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
“Oh no, my dear” replied Granny. “Many years ago, recognising our advanced age, we figured out that the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm, nice and slow and even, nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong.”
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”