A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 if we fail to fill your order! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant ears on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen.
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer’s table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, “You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that’s the first time in ten years we’ve been out of rye bread!”
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”
“Ummmm…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says…
“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”
I remember my father telling a variation of this joke. In his version, if I remember correctly, the guy was on a bicycle and they were heading down to New Orleans for Mardi Gras.
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand-new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny new car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The young man replies, “A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the young dude proudly. The old man asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the owner.
So the old guy pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, he says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right… but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rearview mirror.
It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly, WHHHOOOOSSSHHH! something whips by him, going much faster.
What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?! the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped.
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHHOOOOSSSHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not 10 seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there’s nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out; unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh, my God! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers softly, “Unhook… my… suspenders… from… your… side-view… mirror.”