Greg – Page 19 – The Moreton Pinkney Picayune

29 December 2024

Happy Christmas! We hope your celebrations/gatherings during the festive season were half as good as ours – if so, you clearly had a great time!

29 December 2024 – Amusements

The following all arrived from John Jelliffe once upon a time. All on the theme of “And that’s how the fight started.” Thanks John.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…..

22 December 2024

It’s been another week, I guess. A couple of dinners out, a couple of tedious tasks successfully completed, and a cycling milestone. Goodness me, is that it?

22 December 2024 – Amusements

Just the one for you this week – I received this once upon a time from Penny’s sister J.

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2012

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

15 December 2024

It’s been a lovely week, were it not for the dismal, dreary, damp, grey and overcast skies. We had lunch (and a copious quantity of drink) out on Sunday at one of our lovely neighbours, along with just about everyone else in the village. The food was lovely (and plenty of it) and the company was grand.

15 December 2024 – Amusements

A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child’s kindness, and gave her the dollar. “There you are, my dear,” said the mother. “But, tell me, isn’t the lady able to work anymore?”

“Oh yes,” came the reply. “She sells candy.”

8 December 2024

No floods this week, at least although we’ve still seen more than our share of wet and windy weather, I reckon, with more to come they say. And now, one of Penny’s boots has sprung a leak – quelle merde! So much fun! Muddy boots, muddy dog, cold bedraggled and windswept dog-walkers. Lovely.

8 December – Amusements

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answers. “Why do you ask?”

Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that son of a bitch on the phone! I’m lost and need directions!”

1 December 2024

And so, it’s back to “normal” service. After a fabulous four-week holiday, it’s back to reality as we land with a thud in beautiful downtown Moreton Pinkney. Since we returned we’ve had a film night, a Garden Club annual dinner, snow and floods, an aborted anniversary dining experience and a soul-drenching walk in the sheeting rain with Ms Daisy. It’s great to be back!

1 December 2024 – Amusements

We’ve had this before but, the person who sent it to me remarked, the old ones are the best.

A guy is driving around the back streets of Chippenham when he sees a sign in front of an unkempt terraced house: Talking Dog For Sale. So, he stops and rings the bell. The owner appears and tells him the dog is in the garden. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says “So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

“In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

“I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten quid,” the guy says.

“Ten quid? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar. He’s never been out of the garden.”