Greg's Occasional News & Views
My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that’s a different story.
We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, “Who is making these allegations?”
My boss stood up and proclaimed, “I am the alligator, your honor.” Continue reading “3 May 2020 – Amusements”
Lock-down, Week 7. Another exceptionally fine week – fine sunny weather with clear blue skies (although we do need rain) and reasonably comfortable temperatures. A bit windy, perhaps (too windy for my liking when it comes to dragging my butt out on the bike) but it calmed down towards the end of the week and I did get one decent ride in.
Continue reading “26 April 2020”The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
“What happened Paddy?” she asks anxiously.
“What happened? I’ll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”
“Ah now, calm down, calm down, Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”
Minutes later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
“Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation… she never got your email!” Continue reading “26 April 2020 – Amusements”
Week Six of the Lockdown and it’s been another pretty fine week – very decent weather if somewhat cooler than last week. Lots of bright blue sunny skies. Although the weather folk have been “promising” some rain (which we need), it always seems to be just north or south or west or east of here. We finally had a moderate soaking yesterday but could do with more. Oh well.
Continue reading “19 April 2020”A man and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. Finally he shouted at her, “And you know what? You aren’t so hot in bed either!” then stormed off to work.
By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. “What took you so long to answer?” he asked.
“I was in bed,” she replied.
“What were you doing in bed this late?”
“Getting a second opinion.” Continue reading “19 April 2020 – Amusements”
Week Five of the Lockdown – we’re still here in glorious isolation! Thankfully, the weather this week has been (mainly) outstanding – warm temperatures and blue(ish) skies. Ideal for all the gardening Ms Playchute manages to find to do. Also, ideal for me to do one of the things I do best – lounge in the hammock in the orchard. Hey, I’m doing my bit to save the country!
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children’s sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand…
The pastor called on him and the little boy said, “I’m not sure, but I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.” Continue reading “12 April 2020 – Amusements”
We’ve survived four weeks of the coronavirus lockdown! Still talking to one another (occasionally) and just about maintaining our sanity. I reckon the government could improve morale at a stroke by issuing certificates of achievement for those in self-isolation. Rather like awarding stars to young students for good work. You could get a certificate after a month, after three months, a year, three years, etc.
Continue reading “5 April 2020”A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this!” and she goes downstairs.
She finally comes back up to bed and her husband asks, “The dog is STILL barking, what were you doing out there?”
The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard. Let’s see how THEY like it!” Continue reading “5 April 2020 – Amusements”
I have to say, if we have to be in self-isolation and lock down, there could be worse places to be than beautiful downtown Moreton Pinkney. We have open fields surrounding us with a plethora of public footpaths from which to choose for an afternoon walk. We also have a large garden which is a treat to retreat into (as long as the weather stays fine) and which also, now that Spring is here, needs a multitude of tasks and chores carried out.
Continue reading “29 March 2020”