Greg – Page 83 – The Moreton Pinkney Picayune

3 June 2018 – Amusements

Walking home one night, this guy hears a, “Psst! Psst!-give me a hand with this pig would you?”

Looking into the shadows the guy sees his neighbour holding onto a restless and agitated pig. “What are you planning to do with that?” he asks.

“I’m carrying it indoors and putting in the bath tub.”

“Why do you wanna’ do a thing like that?”

“Well, you see, it’s my wife. She is one of those women who knows EVERYTHING! I tell her that the price of petrol has shot up again…she says I know! I tell her there is more trouble in the Middle East again … she says I know! I tell her Francis down the street is getting a divorce and she knows that, too. Well, tomorrow morning, since she always gets up before me, I’ll wait for her to come running to me screaming ‘THERE’S A PIG IN THE BATH! THERE’S A PIG IN BATH!'”

And I’ll just turn to her and say, “Yeah, I know!” Continue reading “3 June 2018 – Amusements”

27 May 2018

It’s been a lovely week, jet-lag notwithstanding. We’ve had some grand sunny days and we’ve been able to lie in the hammock with wine glasses in hand on a couple of occasions. Sadly, the weather turned cold and wet at the end of the week, just in time for our visitors.

27 May 2018 – Amusements

During the final exam, the professor noticed that Billy Walters kept looking at his hand before writing down an answer on his test. This went on throughout the entire exam, leaving the professor no other choice than to interrogate the student’s test-taking habit.

“Mr. Walters,” the professor began. “Is there something interesting written on your palm?”

“Not at all,” Billy replied. “It’s all pretty boring.” Continue reading “27 May 2018 – Amusements”

20 May 2018

Welcome back!

20 May 2018 – Amusements

The district attorney was cross-examining the murderess on the witness stand.

“And so after you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal dosage, didn’t you feel any qualms? Didn’t you feel the slightest pity for him knowing that he was about to die and was wholly unconscious of it?”

“Yes,” she answered. “Come to think of it…there was just a moment when I sort of felt sorry for him.”

“And, when was that?”

“When he asked for the second cup.” Continue reading “20 May 2018 – Amusements”

22 April 2018

At last! We’ve had some half decent weather this week. There have been a couple of days when it was actually warm and sunny! What are the chances of that? The decent weather gave me the opportunity to mow the lawns for the first time this season and, more importantly, allowed Ms Playchute to get out and start digging her vegetable garden. We’re easily two weeks behind where we should be by now and stuff that should have been in the ground is still awaiting the opportunity. Unfortunately, as far as the lawn-mowing process is concerned, the damn grass will now grow like a teenager during a growth spurt to make up for lost time.

22 April 2018 – Amusements

A young mother was standing outside a mall holding her six-month-old baby and her sister’s three-month-old baby.

Two women approached the mother. “Are they twins?” one asked.

“No, they’re three months apart.”

“My! You sure had them close together.” Continue reading “22 April 2018 – Amusements”

15 April 2018

Another wet, damp, dismal and dreary week, just for a change. The weather people say, though, that this coming week should be much better – here’s hoping.

Jackdaws (and crows generally) are very clever birds. I suspect that the one(s) which found themselves down our dining room fireplace learned never to attempt to build a nest on a chimney pot again, or at least not on our dining room chimney pot. What a shame that the humans who inhabit the place were not smart enough to do something about the chimney before the second batch of jackdaws made their way down.

15 April 2018 – Amusements

“Hello! Is this Gordon’s Pizza?”

“No sir, it’s Google’s Pizza.”

“Did I dial the wrong number?

“No sir, Google bought the pizza store.”

“Oh, alright then. I’d like to place an order please.”

“Okay sir, do you want the usual?”

“The usual? You know what my usual is?”

“According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you’ve ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust.”

“Okay, that’s what I want this time too.”

“May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?”

“No, I hate vegetables.”

“But your cholesterol is not good.”

“How do you know?”

“Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.”

“You know what, I’m sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and everyone else having all my information! I’m going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me!”

“I understand sir. But you may want to renew your passport… it expired 5 weeks ago.” Continue reading “15 April 2018 – Amusements”

8 April 2018

Thursday was one of those days you dream about in the dark dismal depths of winter and/or during the rain-sodden days of early spring. It was bright, clear and, most importantly, dry. This is in marked contrast to the rest of the week – we’ve had more rain this week than Noah. It has been relentless and the area has even experienced some local flooding, something which we don’t see too often around here. So, Thursday’s splendid beauty was very welcome indeed. Unfortunately, that was merely a brief respite – more rain!

Continue reading “8 April 2018”