Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, “What’s wrong pal?”
“I’ll never understand women.” Max said. “The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted.”
“Wow!” said the bartender. “But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me.”
“Well, ” Max went on, “I thought about it and sent her home to her mother. Now she won’t even speak to me.”
Category: Amusements
17 November 2024 – Amusements
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “it’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.”
“That’s nothing”, says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.”
Just then, Shamus yells out, “Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145 years old!”
“What was his name?” asks Paddy.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”
Continue reading “17 November 2024 – Amusements”10 November 2024 – Amusements
“Our wall clock almost killed my mother today!” a wife complains. “It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.”
The husband mumbles, “Damn clock always was slow.”
Continue reading “10 November 2024 – Amusements”22 September 2024 – Amusements
I think we’ve had this one before as well but since it’s definitively true in my case, it’s worth repeating:
Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”
His wife replied, “Why thank you, dear!”
Continue reading “22 September 2024 – Amusements”15 September 2024 – Amusements
I was on vacation in Florida on Christmas vacation. I was walking down the beach and I see one of my colleagues approaching me. He is a psychologist. “You had breakfast yet,” I ask?
“No.”
“Let’s find a place.”
“Good,” he says. “My car is right over there.”
I get in his car, a brand-new Lincoln, and right away I notice that it’s a stick-shift.
I say, “You bought a new Lincoln with a stick shift? I didn’t know that they made a Lincoln like that.”
“They don’t,” he says. “I ordered it special.”
“I’ll bet that cost a fortune,” I reply.
“Oh, ya. You got that right.”
“Why would you buy a new Lincoln with a stick shift,” I ask?
He says, “My wife can’t drive a stick.”
Continue reading “15 September 2024 – Amusements”8 September 2024 – Amusements
Sorry, this one is a bit long so it’s the only one you’re getting this week. The warnings I’ve given in the past to alert my mother to some potentially “colourful” language apply.
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The guide, holding a net, yelled, ‘Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!’
‘Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled for!’
‘No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it is – a Son of a Bitch fish!’
‘Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!’
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
‘Father, that’s the biggest Son of a Bitch I’ve ever seen’ ‘Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?’
‘Why, eat it, of course. You’ve never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!’
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
‘Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!’
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, ‘Father!’
‘It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!’
‘Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?’
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
‘I’ll even clean the Son of a Bitch’, she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
‘What are you doing Sister?’
‘Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop’s Dinner’
‘Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so upset! Please watch your language!’
‘No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a Bitch Fish.’
‘Really? Well, in that case, I’ll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you’ve finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.’
On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, ‘This is great fish, where did you get it?’
‘I caught that Son of a Bitch!’ proclaimed the proud priest.
‘And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!’ exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added, ‘And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!
The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, ‘You mother fuckers are my kind of people!’
1 September 2024 – Amusements
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”
St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”
Continue reading “1 September 2024 – Amusements”25 August 2024 – Amusements
When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea.
Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea.”
Replied the widow, “Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big turd that he really was.”
18 August 2024 – Amusements
Each morning Jake would drive down Sunset Blvd. on his way to work. For the past year a pretty hooker standing on the corner of Sunset gave him the eye as he passed. Of late, she took to showing him parts of what he would get if he stopped to pick her up. Jake was a good husband and family man and didn’t want to cheat on his wife. However, lately the hooker was looking so tempting, he could not get her out of his mind.
After spending many sleepless nights, he went to consult a psychiatrist. He told the psychiatrist she was driving him crazy, he was married 25 years, and did not want to cheat on his wife.
“What should I do?” asked Jake.
The psychiatrist said, “Take Melrose Avenue.”
Continue reading “18 August 2024 – Amusements”11 August 2024 – Amusements
A woman walked into my aunt’s animal shelter wanting to have her cat and six kittens spayed and neutered. “Is the mother friendly?” my aunt asked.
“Very,” said the woman, casting an eye on the pet carriers. “That’s how we got into this mess in the first place.”
Continue reading “11 August 2024 – Amusements”