Greg's Occasional News & Views
Peter was telling a friend that he had just lost his job.
“Why did the foreman fire you?” the friend asked in surprise.
“Oh,” Peter said, “you know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work.”
“We all know that,” replied his friend. “But why did he let you go?”
“Jealousy,” answered Pete. “All the other workers thought I was the foreman.”
Continue reading “4 August 2024 – Amusements”An attorney I know once drafted wills for an elderly husband and wife who had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death. When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered the couple into his office.
“Now,” he said to them, “which one of you wants to go first?”
Continue reading “28 July 2024 – Amusements”A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies. The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed it’s butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky hunting license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting lcense.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed it’s butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got a Tennessee licence?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck. “This duck’s from Virginia. You got a Virginia hunting license?”
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, “Just where the hell are you from?”
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, “You tell me, you’re the expert!”
Continue reading “21 July 2024 – Amusements”I was dining in our Georgia town, when a tourist stopped by my table. “Excuse me,” he said. “My wife loves your sandals. Did you buy them somewhere locally?”
”Yes, just down the street,” I said.
“May I ask how much they cost?”
“They were $77.”
“Thank you.” He then hollered to his wife, “Honey, she got them in Florida!”
Continue reading “7 July 2024 – Amusements”Two guys talking in a bar: “I can’t break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning.”
“What is she doing ’til 5 a.m.?” the pal asked.
“Waiting for me to get home.”
An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End. On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air or beneath the sea. The Americans were incredulous.
Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.
“Jacky,” said the tour guide, “what are you tracking and what are you listening for?”
The aborigine replied, “Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It’s red. The left front tire is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 fellas in the back, all drinking warm beer. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat.”
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.
“Wow, man! How do you know all that?” asked one American.
The Aborigine replied, “I fell out of the thing about half an hour ago.”
A woman is in her ninth month of pregnancy and feeling very uncomfortable. On top of everything, her pleas for sympathy seemed to go unnoticed by her husband.
One day she told him, “I hope in your next life you get to be pregnant!”
He replied, “I hope in your next life you get to be married to someone who’s pregnant!”
Billy-Bob and Bubba were sitting in back of their trailers shooting the breeze.
Billy-Bob asked Bubba, “If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an’ slept with your wife, an’ she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?”
Bubba scratched his head for a bit then said, “I don’t think so…. but it sho would make us even.”
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
“One thing about Jim,” his buddy said to the bartender, “he knows when to stop.”
A ten-year-old girl asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalogue. In a little while, the girl approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell “tequila.”
“T-e-q-u-i-l-a,” spelled the librarian, as the girl thanked her and went back to her search. A short time later she came to the desk, looking quite distraught.
“I just can’t find it,” she said.
“What book are you looking for, honey?” the librarian asked.
Replied the little girl, “Tequila Mockingbird.”
Continue reading “26 May 2024 – Amusements”