Amusements – Page 15 – The Moreton Pinkney Picayune

17 September 2023 – Amusements

Summer was coming to a close. The Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be severe or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught old secrets; when he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell how the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be safe, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be bad and that everybody should collect wood and be prepared.

Being a practical leader, he had an idea after a few days. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked “Is the coming winter going to be bad?”

“It looks like this winter is going to be terrible,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Is it going to be a cold winter?”

“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “It definitely will be very severe.”

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”

“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, “Because the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!”

10 September 2023 – Amusements

A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, “I got shingles.”

She said, “Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you’re done, please take a seat.”

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.”

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, “Change into this gown and wait in the examining room.”

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.”

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.”

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, “I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can’t find shingles anywhere. ”

The man replied, “They’re outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”

3 September 2023 – Amusements

Recently, I bought a cartridge for my printer. It came in a box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic. When I took it apart, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small, but they made the packaging unnecessarily large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.

I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect: It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal.

She’s still laughing.

27 August 2023 – Amusements

A mother and father were chatting with their eight-year-old son about his future. The youngster said he’d like to attend Cornell, as his parents and other members of the family had. Pleased with his response, they pressed on. “What would you like to take when you attend college?” they asked the little boy.

After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen, he replied, “The refrigerator, if you can get along without it.”

20 August 2023 – Amusements

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.

“Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?”

“Have you tried sandpaper?” Pinocchio hadn’t, so he went to try it.

“Pinocchio,” said Gepetto a few weeks later. “How did the problem work out with your girlfriend?”

Pinocchio replied, “Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?”

23 July 2023 – Amusements

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.”

The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same: “You can have mine.”

16 July 2023 – Amusements

“How was your game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.

“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went,” he answered.

“But you’re 75 years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”

“But he’s 85 and doesn’t play golf anymore,” protested Jack.

“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you,” Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it?” asked Jack.

“Yup,” Scott answered.

“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

“I forgot.”

After a lady’s car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large bag of cat litter to soak it up. It worked so well, that she went back to the store to get another bag to finish the job. The clerk remembered her. Looking thoughtfully at her purchase, he said, “Lady, if that were my cat, I’d put him outside!”

I was unhappy with my job, so I submitted my resignation. I was sure I’d have no trouble finding a new position, because there was a shortage of people with my skill. I emailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers, attaching a copy of my resume to each one. Weeks later, I was dismayed and bewildered that I hadn’t received even one request for an interview. Finally I received a response that explained it all: “Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe.”

9 July 2023 – Amusements

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife and asked, “Is this your wife, sir?”

Shocked, I answered, “Yes it is.”

They said, “I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus.”

I said, “I know, but she has a lovely personality and she’s good with the kids.”

2 July 2023 – Amusements

In California’s Sonoma Valley where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like “well-aged Caumeneur.”

The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular wine but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary.

“Could you please spell that?” she asked.

“You know” said the woman impatiently “C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e.”

25 June 2023 – Amusements

Another of those pesky technical support issues:

Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”

Customer: “Ok.”

Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”

Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”

Customer: “No.”

Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”

Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote click’.”