Amusements – Page 24 – The Moreton Pinkney Picayune

31 October 2021 – Amusements

A pretty young blonde stood at the bank cashier’s window and smiled. “I’d like to cash this check, please,” she said, handing it over.

The teller examined the check and said: “Could you identify yourself, Miss?”

For a moment the lovely girl’s brow creased over, then with a bright look she fumbled in her handbag and producing a mirror, glanced in it and with relief said, “Yes! It’s me, all right!”

The clerk said, “No Ma’am, you misunderstood me. We require a photo identification.”

The girl searched her bag again and found a picture with a group of people. “This is a recent family photo,” she explained. “That’s me, third from the left.”

24 October 2021 – Amusements

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”

Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

“How do you know, Sister? Have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?”

“Don’t be ridiculous – of course I have never taken alcohol myself”

“Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life”

“How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?”

“I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will know”

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.

“Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks”, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman “… and could you put the vodka in a teacup?”

“Oh Lord!” exclaims the barman. “It’s not that drunk Nun again, is it?”

17 October 2021 – Amusements

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they’re gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, “Sir, don’t you like your beer cold? Why don’t you start with one, and I’ll bring you a fresh one as soon as you’re low.”

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Austria and one in Ireland. We made a vow to each other when they moved away that every Saturday night, we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers too, and we’re drinking together.”

The bartender thinks it’s a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy’s three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, “Knowing your tradition, I’d just like to say that I hope nothing has happened to one of your brothers.”

The man replies, “Oh, my brothers are fine — I just quit drinking.”

10 October 2021 – Amusements

The Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can’t post

Thou Shalt Not Steal,
Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,
and Thou Shall Not Lie

in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.

3 October 2021 – Amusements

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.

26 September 2021 – Amusements

I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip.

To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza.

“Could that have been a tip?” I asked, trying not to sound accusatory.

“Yep,” he replied proudly. “Not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!”

19 September 2021 – Amusements

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. “Listen,” said the shoplifter, “I know you don’t want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?”

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, “This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?”

12 September 2021 – Amusements

A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. “Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.”

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer eyes out!”

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?”

5 September 2021 – Amusements

My wife and I had just finished a meal at one of our local restaurants when I realized I’d left my wallet at home. As the wife headed to the door to retrieve her purse from the car, she told the waitress what had happened, adding, “But don’t worry, I’m leaving my husband as collateral.”

The waitress took one look at me and asked her, “What else you got?”

15 August 2021 – Amusements

RUNNING LATE: Official Glossary

“On the way.” – Still in bed.

“In the car.” – In the shower.

“GPS says 35 min.” – Getting ready.

“There’s traffic.” – Leaving the house.

“Parking now.” – 15 minutes out.

“Can’t find a spot.” – 5 minutes out.

“Walking in.” – Looking for a spot.