Greg's Occasional News & Views
RUNNING LATE: Official Glossary
“On the way.” – Still in bed.
“In the car.” – In the shower.
“GPS says 35 min.” – Getting ready.
“There’s traffic.” – Leaving the house.
“Parking now.” – 15 minutes out.
“Can’t find a spot.” – 5 minutes out.
“Walking in.” – Looking for a spot.
Continue reading “15 August 2021 – Amusements”A Greek tourist visits the United States on his first overseas trip. Upon arrival at the Immigration desk, he is visibly puzzled filling out his visa application. The immigration officer looks over the man’s shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write ‘Twice a week’ into the small space labelled “SEX”.
The officer explains “No, no, no, that isn’t what we mean by this question. We are asking Male or Female.”
The tourist answers, “Does it matter?”
Continue reading “8 August 2021 – Amusements”After years being away from the Church a man begins to feel the spiritual pull again, so he decides to go to confession. He pulls aside the curtain on the confessional box, enters and sits himself down.
Inside there is an over-stuffed leather armchair next to a little mini-bar equipped with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, imported beer on ice, cigars and a box of liqueur chocolates.
He hears a priest enter the other side of the box. “Father, forgive me. It’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”
The priest replies, “Get out of there, you idiot. You’re on my side!”
We’ve had it before . . .
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and after a big fight they were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Important; wake me at 5:00 AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 8:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Continue reading “25 July 2021 – Amusements”According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking. Because if there’s one thing women love, it’s a man who can lie.
Continue reading “18 July 2021 – Amusements”Murphy and his wife went for a stroll in the park. They sat down on a bench to rest for a while. Soon they overheard voices coming from a secluded spot nearby. Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy realizes that a young man is about to propose. Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudges her husband and whispers, “Whistle, to let that young couple know that someone can hear them.”
To which Murphy replies, “Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me?”
Continue reading “11 July 2021 – Amusements”Our Supply Clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH!
Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analysed.
When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box. Inside were 250 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!
Continue reading “4 July 2021 – Amusements”Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. “Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 AM if you ever want to see your wife alive again.”
But it was well after 1:00 PM by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, “You’re three hours late. What took you so long?”
“Give me a break!” said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. “I’m a 27 handicap.”
Continue reading “27 June 2021 – Amusements”A couple had been married for 50 years and had raised a brood of 10 children and was blessed with 20 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”
Continue reading “20 June 2021 – Amusements”A fellow tees off, and slices terribly. He sees the ball fly past a stand of trees and then hears a shriek. He runs over and finds a woman knocked out cold.
The man runs back to the clubhouse and shouts, “Is there a doctor here?”
“I’m a doctor,” another man says, rising. “What’s the trouble?”
“I just hit a woman with a golf ball out there and she’s unconscious!”
“Well where did you hit her?” the doctor asks.
“Between the first and second holes.”
“Oh my,” the doctor says, shaking his head. “That doesn’t leave much room for stitches!”
Continue reading “13 June 2021 – Amusements”