Greg's Occasional News & Views
“Jim, why don’t you play golf with Steve anymore?” asked a friend.
“Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you weren’t watching?” Jim asked.
“Well, no, I suppose not,” admitted the friend.
“Neither will Steve,” replied Jim.
Continue reading “30 May 2021 – Amusements”A man sees a job ad posted on a construction site, “Handy man wanted; apply within.”
So he does and speaks to the foreman.
“Can you drive a Bobcat?” the foreman asks.
“No.”
“Can you plaster?”
“No.”
“Have you ever done any carpentry?”
“No.”
“If you don’t mind me asking,” says the foreman, “what’s so handy about you?”
“Well, I only live about five minutes down the road…”
Continue reading “23 May 2021 – Amusements”Things I never learned in high school:
1. What taxes are.
2. How to do taxes.
3. How to vote.
4. Anything to do with banking.
5. How to buy a car or a house.
But I’m so glad I know the Pythagorean Theorem!
Continue reading “16 May 2021 – Amusements”A little boy was waiting for his mother. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”
The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right.”
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. I’d like you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”
The little boy replied with a laugh; “You’re kidding me, right? You don’t even know the way to the Post Office.”
Continue reading “9 May 2021 – Amusements”I came home one night and my wife was crying.
I said, “What’s wrong?”
She said, “I’m home sick.”
I said, “But, this IS your home.”
“I know,” she replied, “and I’m sick of it!”
Continue reading “2 May 2021 – Amusements”A couple are having marital difficulties, and the wife suggests they see a marriage counsellor. At their first session the counsellor asks the couple to explain to each other how they feel about their marriage.
The wife says: “We are at a crossroads. To the left is bitterness, resentment, divorce and a life of unhappiness. To the right is reconciliation, love and lifelong happiness.”
The husband says: “I think you’ll find that’s a T-junction.”
Continue reading “25 April 2021 – Amusements”A 55 year old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, and trusts the number 5.
One day a friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5.
Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.
Continue reading “18 April 2021 – Amusements”A one dollar bill met a 50 dollar bill and said, “Hey, where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you around here much.”
The fifty answered, “I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff.
“How about you?”
The one dollar bill said, “You know, same old thing . . . strip club, strip club, church.”
Continue reading “11 April 2021 – Amusements”A young man applied for a job at a new factory being built in a nearby town. He entered the main office, where the receptionist directed him down the hall to an office where he was to be interviewed by the Personnel Officer.
After several minutes of describing and explaining all about the new factory, the Personnel Officer told the young man, “We need individuals who are totally responsible.”
The young man grinned and responded: “Well, I sure qualify. Everywhere I’ve worked, when something went wrong, I was always responsible!”
Continue reading “4 April 2021 – Amusements”“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend.
“He wants to be a garbage man,” he replied.
“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”
“Not really. He thinks that garbage men work only on Tuesdays.”
Continue reading “28 March 2021 – Amusements”