Greg's Occasional News & Views
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything:
Stamps – Lickie Stickie
Defibrillators – Heart Starty
Bumble Bees – Fuzzy Buzzy
Preganacy Test – Maybe Baby
Bra – Breastie Nestie
Fork – Stabby Grabby
Socks – Feetie Heatie
Hippo – Floatie Bloatie
Nightmare – Screamy Dreamy
A man walks into a bar and bets the bartender a beer that his dog can talk.
The bartender agrees so the guy turns and asks his dog, “What’s on top of a house?” Naturally, the dog says, “Roof.”
The bartender throws them both in the gutter.
The dog turns to the guys and says, “See, I told you that wouldn’t work!”
Continue reading “14 March 2021 – Amusements”It’s old and we’ve had it before but . . .
Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, the first guy said, “Panty stitcher… I sew the elastic onto women’s panties.”
The clerk looked up panty stitcher in her table. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
The second guy was asked his occupation. “Diesel fitter,” he replied.
Diesel fitter is listed as a skilled job, so the clerk gave the second guy $600 a week. When the first guy found out he was furious. He stormed into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, “Panty stitchers are unskilled, and diesel fitters are skilled labor.”
“What skill?!” yelled the panty stitcher. “I sew the elastic, and he pulls on it and says, “Yep, dese’ll fit ‘er.”
Continue reading “7 March 2021 – Amusements”A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday. As they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.
He took along his girl’s younger sister for advice, and together they went to the department store and bought a pair of gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
“I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
“I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
“When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
“I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night!”
All my love.
Continue reading “28 February 2021 – Amusements”It was time for the final and the student depending upon getting at least one right answer on the chemistry test.
The question was “If H2O if water, what is H2O4?”
This was a quick question for most, but it took the student some thinking time.
Finally, he wrote down his answer: For drinking, washing, cleaning…
A newspaper editor received this note from a reader:
“My wife was about to file for a divorce when she read the article in your paper about the importance of giving second chances in making a marriage work. So she changed her mind about the divorce. Effective today, cancel my subscription to your paper.”
I ran across this on Facebook. Rather than attempting to transcribe it I thought it was better to have the original video – so much better.
In honour of Valentine’s Day, a selection of amusements loosely connected with love . . .
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”
The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish!”
Continue reading “14 February 2021 – Amusements”A dog in Seattle is making news after commuters noticed it had been riding the bus to a local park all by itself. Everyone says the dog is amazing, while the dog said, panicking, “I gotta find that blind guy. I’m in a lot of trouble if I don’t find him.”
Continue reading “7 February 2021 – Amusements”The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialled the first and explained our situation.
After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do for you; I’m a psychologist.”
“A psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can’t you help us?”
“Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?
Continue reading “31 January 2021 – Amusements”A man and his friend were exiting a drugstore and at the front door there was a scale.
“Look, a scale,” the man said to his friend. “Let’s see how my new diet is working out.”
He stepped on the scale.
“I can’t believe it!” he said as he read the result. “I’ve been on this diet for two weeks but the scale says I’m heavier than I was before! How can that be?”
He pondered this as he stepped off the scale, then had a thought. He took off his jacket and handed it to his friend. “Here, hold my jacket,” he said.
The friend took the jacket as the man stepped back on the scale.
Not much change.
“Here,” he said as he handed his purchase from the drugstore to his friend. “Hold my Twinkies too.”
Continue reading “24 January 2021 – Amusements”Things That Are Difficult to Say When You’re Drunk:
Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon.
Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You’re Drunk:
Specificity; Cogito ergo sum; British; Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate.
Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You’re Drunk:
Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex; Nope, no more booze for me; Sorry, but you’re not really my type; Good evening, officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight? Oh, I just couldn’t– no one wants to hear me sing!