Greg's Occasional News & Views
I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing ‘Start123.'”
Continue reading “10 January 2021 – Amusements”If you’re singing Christmas songs on your neighbor’s lawn at night with your church group, it’s called “Carolling.”
But if you’re doing it alone with no pants on, it’s called “drunk and disorderly.” Continue reading “3 January 2021 – Amusements”
This from my friend Julie.
Just in case anyone needs some lessons about governments…
The Forecaster
The king wanted to go fishing and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.
The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.
So the king and the queen went fishing…
On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm.”
The king replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him.”
So the king continued on his way, however, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.
Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey.
If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that… it will rain.”
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.
The practice is unbroken to this date and is especially prevalent in the UK. Continue reading “27 December 2020 – Amusements”
The World Giving Index released a report yesterday that found for the first time ever, men are more likely than women to donate money to charity. And even MORE likely to donate to Charity’s friends Crystal, Bambi, and Cinnamon. Continue reading “20 December 2020 – Amusements”
I spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our employees. After reviewing the different plans and monthly deductions, he decided to max out, choosing $100,000 worth of life insurance. But he had one last question.
“Now,” he said, “what do I have to do to collect?
I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.
“How do you know when you’re at 300 feet?” asked one woman.
“A good question,” replied the instructor. “At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
The woman thought about this for a while before saying, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
Continue reading “6 December 2020 – Amusements”This from a friend . . .
A British national daily newspaper is asking readers: “What does it mean to be British?”
Some of the resulting emails were hilarious but how about this one?
“Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, goes skiing in France, fancies Swedish birds, and has a Romanian au-pair. And the most British characteristic of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.”
Continue reading “29 November 2020 – Amusements”Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.
The first spaceman says, “The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons.”
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”
The first spaceman says, “I don’t think so. They have them aimed at themselves.”
Continue reading “22 November 2020 – Amusements”A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
“No thank you.” she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”
“That must be rather difficult.” the man replied.
“Oh, I don’t mind too much.” she said. “But, it has my husband pretty upset.”
Continue reading “15 November 2020 – Amusements”I was walking past an alley last night, when I heard, “Help! Help!” coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady’s handbag, but she was putting up a heck of a fight and wouldn’t let go.
I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn’t see anything.
I finally decided that I should help.
She was one tough old lady, but the three of us finally got that handbag.
Continue reading “8 November 2020 – Amusements”