Category: Amusements

Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked, “What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore.”

“I hired a professional worrier and I haven’t had a worry since,” replied Jack.

“That must be expensive,” Bob replied.

“He charges $5,000 a month,” Jack told him.

“$5,000!!! How in the world can you afford to pay him?” exclaimed Bob.

“I don’t know. That’s his problem.” Continue reading “28 January 2018 – Amusements”

While I was dining out with my children, a friend of my neighbour, who recognized us, came over to our table, and we started talking.

He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.

With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family.

I said, “No, I also work… but out of our home.”

Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in.

“He was born at home,” I answered.

The man looked at me and said, “You don’t get out much, do you?” Continue reading “21 January 2018 – Amusements”

Sister Grace at the convent opened a letter from home and found a $100 bill from her parents. She smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily-dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, “Don’t despair. Sister Grace” on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, and tossed it out the window. The stranger picked it up and read the note. He tipped his hat to Sister Grace and hurried away.

The next day, Sister Grace was told that a man was asking to see her. She went down and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

“What’s this?” she asked.

“That’s your $8,000, sister,” he replied. “‘Don’t Despair’ paid 80-to-1.” Continue reading “14 January 2018 – Amusements”

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. “What will you do if I die before you do?” Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she’d probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, “What will you do if I die first?”

He replied, “Probably the same thing.” Continue reading “7 January 2018 – Amusements”

Today marks the 35th anniversary of the death of Sir Douglas Bader and I couldn’t let it pass without this story about the Royal Air Force hero. He was giving a talk at an upmarket girl’s school about his time as a pilot in the Second World War. “So there were two of the f***ers behind me, three f***ers to my right, and another f***er on the left,” he told the audience.

The headmistress went pale and interjected: “Ladies, the Fokker was a German aircraft.”

Sir Douglas replied, “That is true, madam, but these f***ers were Messerschmitts. Continue reading “31 December 2017 – Amusements”

Every December it was the same excruciating tradition. Our family would get up at the crack of dawn, go to a Christmas tree farm and tromp across acres of snow in search of the perfect tree. Hours later our feet would be freezing, but Mom would press on, convinced the tree of her dreams was “just up ahead.”

One year I snapped. “Mom, face it. The perfect tree doesn’t exist. It’s like looking for a man. Just be satisfied if you can find one that isn’t dead, doesn’t have too many bald spots and is straight.” Continue reading “24 December 2017 – Amusements”

Suspecting he had a serious medical condition, I nagged my husband until he agreed to see a doctor. Once there, he was handed a mountain of forms to fill out.

Next to “Reason for visit?” he wrote, “My wife made me.” Continue reading “17 December 2017 – Amusements”

Back at my high school for the tenth reunion, I met my old coach. Walking through the gym, we came upon a plaque on which I was still listed as the record holder for the longest softball throw.

Noticing my surprise, the coach said, “That record will stand forever.”

I was about to make some modest disclaimer that records exist to be broken, when he added, “We stopped holding that event years ago.” Continue reading “10 December 2017 – Amusements”

This one hasn’t come around for awhile . . .

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: “There is no easy way to say this so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year.”

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the Tarot reader’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked, “Will I be acquitted?” Continue reading “2 December 2017 – Amusements”

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?”

His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.”

The man goes, “Are my children here?”

“Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.

“Are my other relatives also here?”

And they say, “Yes, we are all here…”

The man sits up and says, “Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?” Continue reading “19 November 2017 – Amusements”