Category: Amusements

I know we’ve had this before but I still like it:

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place. The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?”

Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”

Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.” Continue reading “11 December 2016 – Amusements”

As it’s topical . . .

Here’s a killer turkey recipe, with a foolproof self-timer. It’s impossible to mess this up. You’ll get a perfectly cooked turkey every time.

Preheat the oven to 325. Prepare the turkey, basting it with salt, garlic, butter, and black pepper. In a bowl, combine equal parts stuffing mix and popcorn. (Yes, popcorn.)

Fill the turkey’s cavity with the mixture. Lay the turkey in a greased roasting pan.

Insert the turkey into the oven, with the neck pointing inward. This is very important.

Do not concern yourself with roasting time. When the turkey’s rear end blows the oven door open, it’s done. Continue reading “4 December 2016 – Amusements”

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.”

He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.”

To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.”

“I‘m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of this. I’m going to the bar!”

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

“Honey, how’d this all get fixed?”

She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake.”

He said, “So, what kind of cake did you bake him?”

She replied, “Helloooooo… Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?” Continue reading “20 November 2016 – Amusements”

A man finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The man thinks for a moment and says, “First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.”

A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The man is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties.

Then the Genie says, “And what about your other two wishes?”

The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Give me two more just like this one!” Continue reading “13 November 2016 – Amusements”

In the British documentary 56 Up, a man shared that he had earned a law degree at Oxford. Then, in his thick English accent, he proudly proclaimed that he was now a “barrister.”

My 13-year-old daughter wasn’t impressed. “So,” she said, “he spent all that effort getting an Oxford law degree, and now he works at Starbucks?” Continue reading “6 November 2016 – Amusements”

I was checking out at the busy super market, and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and finally the cashier spilled a handful of coins. When she totalled my order, it came to exactly $22.

Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, “That’s a nice round figure.”

Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, “You’re no bean pole yourself.” Continue reading “30 October 2016 – Amusements”

As we left the gym after our first real workout in years, my husband and I both felt energized. “Let’s make a commitment to do it three times a week,” I said.

“Absolutely,” my husband agreed, “three times at a minimum.”

“And no whining,” I said. “No excuses.”

“No, we’ll do it,” he said enthusiastically, “you can count on it.”

“And on my late night, we can just meet here at the gym.”

“The gym?” my husband said, confused. “I thought we were talking about sex?” Continue reading “23 October 2016 – Amusements”

A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical problem. After the visit the man asks, “How much do I owe you?”

“My fee is five hundred dollars,” replies the physician.

“Five hundred dollars? That’s impossible. No one charges that much!”

“In your case,” the doctor replies, “I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred.”

“Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous.”

“Well, then, could you afford two hundred?”

“Who has that kind of money?”

“Look, replies the doctor,” growing irritated, “Just give me a hundred and get out of my office, okay?”

“I can give you fifty,” says the man. “Take it or leave it.”

“I don’t understand you,” says the doctor. “Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in New York if you have no money?”

“Listen, Doctor,” says the patient, “When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive!” Continue reading “16 October 2016 – Amusements”

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

“To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,” the attorney reads.

“To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.”

“And finally,” the lawyer concludes, “to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!” Continue reading “9 October 2016 – Amusements”

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.

“They’re mating,” her father replied.

“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.

“That’s a Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered.

“So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?” the girl asked.

“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.

“The little girl thought for a moment, then she stomped them flat and said, “Well, it might be okay in California and New York, but we’re not having any of that crap in Texas.” Continue reading “2 October 2016 – Amusements”