Category: Amusements

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.

“They’re mating,” her father replied.

“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.

“That’s a Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered.

“So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?” the girl asked.

“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.

“The little girl thought for a moment, then she stomped them flat and said, “Well, it might be okay in California and New York, but we’re not having any of that crap in Texas.” Continue reading “2 October 2016 – Amusements”

There was a teenage boy who worked in the produce section of the local market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. So he walked into the back and said, “There’s some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.” As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this here gentleman wants to buy the other half…”

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?”

The boy replied, “Canada, Sir.”

“Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?” asked the manager.

The boy replied, “They’re all just up-tight, homely women and hockey players up there.”

“Really,” replied the manager, “My wife is from Canada!”

The boy replied, “No kidding! What team did she play for?” Continue reading “25 September 2016 – Amusements”

One week before her wedding, a mother pulls aside her daughter (and bride-to-be). She says, “I will now give you the advice that has been passed down from generation to generation, from woman to woman.”

The daughter listened attentively, curious as to what the advice would be.

The mom continued, “Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish, and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.” Continue reading “18 Septembe 2016 – Amusements”

1. “My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.” Masai Graham
2. “Why is it old people say ‘there’s no place like home’, yet when you put them in one …” Stuart Mitchell
3. “I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10.” Mark Watson
4. “Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit.” Mark Smith
5. “I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer … came second.” Will Duggan
6. “Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.” Tiff Stevenson
7. “I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words.” Gary Delaney
8. “Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor.” Adele Cliff
9. “Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?” Annie McGrath
10. “Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.” Jordan Brookes
11. “Hilary Clinton has shown that any woman can be president, as long as your husband did it first.” Michelle Wolf
12. “I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound.” Roger Swift
13. “Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.” Arthur Smith
14. “I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses.” Zoe Lyons
15. “Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word.” Phil Nicol

Continue reading “28 August 2016 – Amusements”

Mr. Jones is on a business trip and has bought some fish to bring home to his wife.

The fish was very expensive, so Mr. Jones decides to hide it until the next day, when he would leave the hotel. The fish is well-packaged in multiple layers of paper, so Mr. Jones hides it between the leaves of a rather large plant in his room.

On the day of his departure, Mr. Jones oversleeps and has to hastily pack all his stuff in order to catch his train. He, of course, forgets the fish. Embarrassed about his mishap, he doesn’t tell the hotel when he finds out.

Two weeks later, he gets a message from the hotel that says: “Dear Mr. Jones … all is forgiven. Just tell us … where is it?!?!” Continue reading “21 August 2016 – Amusements”

A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. Suddenly he announces, “Me and Janie next door are gonna get married!”

“Oh?” says the mother, amused. “And how old is Janie?”

“Six,” replies the boy.

“Well,” says the father, “what are you going to do for money?”

“I get 5 dollars a week allowance,” says the son, “and Janie gets 2. We figured that if we put them together, we’ll be okay.”

“I see,” says the father. “But what are you going to do if you have any children?”

“Well,” says the boy, “so far we’ve been lucky.”  Continue reading “14 August 2016 – Amusements”

A man was on a long walk in the country. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.

There was a baby pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.

The housewife replied, “Ah, he’s not that friendly. That’s his bowl you’re using.” Continue reading “7 August 2016 – Amusements”

Pauly walks into a bar and says “Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!” The bartender says, “Well, Pauly, seems you’re in a really good mood tonight, eh?”

Pauly says, “Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!”

The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and says “Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!”

The bartender says, “Well now! If you’re so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you’ll be when you get your first pay check!”

Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says “You mean they’ll PAY me on top of all this?” Continue reading “31 July 2016 – Amusements”

At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noted that a test for a canine’s disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt. A dog with poor temperament would try to bite the person, whereas a good dog would lick his owner’s face or show concern.

Once, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this theory on my two dogs. I stood up, clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor.

The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and raced to the coffee table for my pizza. Continue reading “24 July 2016 – Amusements”

One day Ole and Sven were paging through the Sears Catalogue and admiring all the beautiful models.

Ole said to Sven, “Haf you seen da perdy girls in dis catalog?”

Sven replied, “Ya. Dey sure are bootiful, an yust look at da prices!”

Ole looked wide eyed and said, “Yumpin’ yimminy. Dey ain’t very expensive. At dees prices I’m buyin’ me vun.”

Sven smiled, patted Ole on the back and said, “by golly Ole, if she’s as perdy as she looks in da catalog, I vill get vun too.”

Three weeks later Sven came by and asked Ole, “did ja ever git dat girl you ordered from da Sears Catalog?”

Ole replied, “no, but it von’t be long now, her clothes came yesterday!” Continue reading “17 July 2016 – Amusements”