- “My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.” Masai Graham
- “Why is it old people say ‘there’s no place like home’, yet when you put them in one …” Stuart Mitchell
- “I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10.” Mark Watson
- “Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit.” Mark Smith
- “I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn’t much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer … came second.” Will Duggan
- “Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.” Tiff Stevenson
- “I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words.” Gary Delaney
- “Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor.” Adele Cliff
- “Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?” Annie McGrath
- “Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.” Jordan Brookes
- “Hilary Clinton has shown that any woman can be president, as long as your husband did it first.” Michelle Wolf
- “I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound.” Roger Swift
- “Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.” Arthur Smith
- “I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses.” Zoe Lyons
- “Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word.” Phil Nicol
Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband.
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. “Wow, look at that!” he said. “It’s my old Plymouth!”
A young man applied for a job at a new factory being built in a nearby town. He entered the main office, where the receptionist directed him down the hall to an office where he was to be interviewed by the Personnel Officer.
After several minutes of describing and explaining all about the new factory, the Personnel Officer told the young man, “We need individuals who are totally responsible.”
The young man grinned and responded: “Well, I sure qualify. Everywhere I’ve worked, when something went wrong, I was always responsible!”