Category: Amusements

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage on the neighbor’s back porch, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”

The guy stumbles around and says, “No.. umm.. no.. I didn’t. what happened?”

The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after the kids buried him in the backyard we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!” Continue reading “3 July 2016 – Amusements”

My wife told me that I did not love any of her relatives.

“Nonsense,” I told her. “That is not true. I love your mother-in-law and father-in-law much more than I love mine.” Continue reading “26 June 2016 – Amusements”

A young, southern buck went to Las Vegas. Sitting in a cocktail lounge, and sipping on some bourbon, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, “Miss, y’all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y’all to give me a piece of ass?”

“Wow, that’s the most direct proposition I’ve ever had!” gasped the girl.

Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, “Sure, why not? You’re an attractive guy, and it’s pretty slow here right now, so why don’t we just slip away up to your room?”

When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked, “Will there be anything else?”

“Why yes,” replied the southern gentleman. “Ah sure ‘preciate what y’all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of y’all. But where ah come from in Alabama, we lak our bourbon cold, so ah still need a piece o’ ass for mah drink.” Continue reading “19 June 2016 – Amusements”

Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who had recently retired was describing his life, “I get up late in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down on my veranda for a few hours and relax.

In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad, fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon boating or playing golf or tennis…

When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my veranda again.”

The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She asked, “What’s his wife’s name?”

Her husband said, “I’m not sure, but I think it’s Veranda.” Continue reading “12 June 2016 – Amusements”

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked.

On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

“Your Honor,” he said, “I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant.”

“Oh?” the judge said.

“Yes!” the man replied. “I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty, guilty, guilty’ So, your Honor, I could not possibly serve on this jury!”

The judge replied, “Get back in the jury box. You are just the kind of juror we are looking for — a good judge of character.”

“But your honor!” the man protested. “How can you say that?!”

“Because,” the judge said, “that man is the defendant’s lawyer.” Continue reading “5 June 2016 – Amusements”

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

“I’ll be right back with some water,” the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.

Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. “Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes.” Continue reading “29 May 2016 – Amusements”

Some of my friends started a company built around an innovative idea for an online business. A debate broke out about what to name the venture. “We have to call it Imagination,” one passionate participant cried out.

Everyone thought the idea over for a minute, and then a voice of reason replied, “Are you sure you want your business card to read ‘Imagination, Limited’?” Continue reading “24 April 2016 – Amusements”

No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet.

The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in the chin. Continue reading “17 April 2016 – Amusements”

There’s a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts “Praise the Lord!”

The atheist yells back, “There is no God.”

She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on, the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says “Praise the Lord.”

The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there’s the groceries she asked for, and of course, she shouts “Praise the Lord!”

The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, “Ha, I bought those groceries – there is no God.”

The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts “Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!” Continue reading “10 April 2016 – Amusements”

I know it’s old, but uncannily accurate . . .

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news.

“I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” The Lord told him.

Adam looked at The Lord and said, “Well, give me the good news first.”

Smiling, The Lord explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.”

“Wonderful!” Adam said. “Thank you. What is the second organ?”

“The other organ,” God continued, “is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.”

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?”

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, “The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time….” Continue reading “3 April 2016 – Amusements”