Amusements – Page 5 – The Moreton Pinkney Picayune

14 December 2025 – Amusements

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face, saying, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor in the church that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie, and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.”

The entire congregation was completely silent.

“Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.” No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me in front of your brethren and admit that this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel wonderful. Now please stand and confess your transgression.” Again all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. The preacher was visibly shaken when he saw her rise.

“You, Miss Johnson?!”

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. “Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding,” she began, clearly not wanting to make her confession in front of everyone. “I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told one of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!”

7 December 2025 – Amusements

On her first day at the retirement home the new manager addressed all the seniors highlighting her most important rule: “The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males and, likewise, the male dormitory will be out-of-bounds to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”

She continued. “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60 and, if you’re caught a third time it will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?”

At this point, an older lady named Kathy stood up in the crowd and inquired “How much is it for a season ticket?”

30 November 2025 – Amusements

The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I, the third one, have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here’s how it all went.

My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams…! love you!’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress: ‘Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we made wild love all night.

Then I had to share my story: ‘When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, “What’s for dinner, Zorro?”

23 November 2025 – Amusements

Not sure if these are real but it wouldn’t surprise me. The comments are not mine.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (And that’s the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (And that would be how???….)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”(But, it’s “just” a suggestion).
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): “Do not turn upside down.”(Well… .Duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.”(… And you thought????…)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.”(But wouldn’t this save me more time?)
On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (And… I’m taking this because???….)
On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.”(As opposed to… what?)
On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.”(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts.” (Talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: maybe, uh… fly Delta?)
On a child’s superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (… Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

16 November 2025 – Amusements

40 YEARS OF MARRIAGE

A married couple in their EARLY 60’s were celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary in a quiet and romantic restaurant. Suddenly a tiny, yet beautiful, fairy appeared on their table. She said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”

The wife answered, “Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.”

The fairy waved her magic wand and – POOF – two tickets for the Queen Mary I! appeared in her hands. The fairy turned to the husband and asked him what he would like for his wish. The husband thought for a minute, “Well, this is all romantic, but this type of opportunity may never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and – POOF – the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female AND females stick together.

9 November 2025 – Amusements

We’ve had these before, I think, but I am running out of material! Send help!

This is postively absurd but it made me smile.

The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. “I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I’ve seen it on T.V.”

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion’s team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeest, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a place-kicker, and the score remained 6 – 0.

Late in the first half the lion’s team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion’s team led at halftime 7 – 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a pep talk. “Look you guys. We can win this game. We’ve got the lead and they only have one real threat. We’ve got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he’s a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino.”

The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino’s team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty-yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

“Did you do this?” he asked the centipede.

“Yeah, I did.” the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, “Where were you during the first half?”

“I was putting on my shoes.”

2 November 2025 – Amusements

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.”

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps its aboot time for a wee cuddle.”

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps its aboot time you let me poot me hand on your leg.”

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

The young man knit his brow. “Well, now,” he said, “my thoughts are a bit more serious this time.”

“Really?” said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

“Aye,” said the lad.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Angus blurted out, “Din’na ye think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?”

26 October 2025 – Amusements

Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their “tourist” garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a “drop dead gorgeous” topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They could not help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said “Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a very revealing string bottom, took her sweet time walking toward them. And again, they couldn’t help but stare.

Again she nodded at each of them, saying “Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father,” as she passed by. One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and called after her.

“Just a minute young lady!”

“Yes, Father?” she said as she stopped and turned back.

“We are priests and are proud of it, but I have to know: how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?”

The woman smiled, bent over a bit, and pulled off her sunglasses. “Father,” she said in a purr, “don’t you recognize me? It’s me — Sister Katherine!”

19 October 2025 – Amusements

A truck driver is driving along on the freeway when he passes a sign reading “Low Bridge Ahead.”

Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck underneath it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”

The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

12 October 2025 – Amusements

A beautiful young woman is getting dressed for work one morning in her high-rise apartment building. She glances out her fiftieth-story bedroom window and sees a window washer outside. Thinking she will rattle him, she slowly takes off her dress.

The window washer just goes about the business of cleaning the windows. Next, she removes her slip in a very provocative manner. Still, the man just keeps working away. Taking her striptease to the full extent, she takes off her bra and panties and begins parading around her room. The window washer still takes no notice of her.

Finally, the woman walks over to the window and just stands there, totally naked, staring at the man outside her window. At last the window washer puts down his pail and says, “What’s the matter, lady, haven’t you ever seen a window washer before?”