Amusements – Page 6 – The Moreton Pinkney Picayune

5 October 2025 – Amusements

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings, and a man engages the hands-free speaker. Everyone else stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello.”
WOMAN: “Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
MAN: “Yes.”
WOMAN: “I’m at the shops and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it?”
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I found one I really liked.”
MAN: “How much?”
WOMAN: “$90,000.”
MAN: “OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Lexie and found out the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000.”
MAN: “Well, then, go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it’s what you really want.”
WOMAN: “OK! I’ll see you later. I love you so much!”
MAN: “Bye! I love you too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room stare at him in total shock. He turns and asks: – “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

21 September 2025 – Amusements

A Spanish man goes into a department store looking for a specific item of clothing. But he can’t find what he’s looking for and he doesn’t know the English word for it. So he grabs a salesperson and says, “Tienes calcetines?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what that is,” the salesperson says.

The guy tries again. “Medias?” He asks, miming pulling up socks. The salesperson brings him to the trouser section.

“No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero medias, calcetines,” he says.

And so it goes for nearly an hour. Finally, almost by accident, the salesperson leads him to the sock section. The Spanish guy, excited, points and shouts, “Eso sí que es!”

The salesperson’s jaw drops and he says, “Well, why didn’t you TELL me you knew how to spell it?”

[I had a similar experience in Spain one time, years ago before Google translate. I needed some socks, went into a farily largeish department store and, similarly not knowing the Spanish word for “socks” mimed pulling up a pair of socks. Thankfully, my miming must have been very good because the salesperson directed me straight to the socks section. I still wouldn’t remember the word though.]

14 September 2025 – Amusements

I think we’ve had this before?

Three little ducks waddle into a bar.

“Good afternoon!” the bartender says to the first duck. “What’s your name?”

“Huey,” the duck says.

“How’s your day been, Huey?”

“Great. Lovely day. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?” said Huey.

“That’s nice,” said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, “And what’s your name?”

“Dewey,” came the answer from duck number two.

“So how’s your day been, Dewey?” he asked.

“Great. Lovely day. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?”

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, “So, you must be Louie?”

“No,” she said, batting her eyelashes. “My name is Puddles.”

7 September 2025 – Amusements

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.”

The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him.

The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died.”

St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.

“Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!”

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

“Tell me about the day you died,” he said to the third man in line.

“OK, picture this, I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator….”

31 August 2025 – Amusements

Two Irish lads are strolling down a street in Liverpool when they spot a shop window that reads: Suits £10, Jackets £7.50, Trousers and Dresses £5.00.

One turns to the other and says, “Would ya look at those feckin’ prices? We could buy a boatload, haul it back to Ireland, and make a fortune — double, maybe even treble the money!”

The other lad says, “That’s a grand idea, but d’ya think they’ll sell to us if they know we’re Irish?”

The first lad grins and says, “Don’t worry, I’ve got this,” and walks in, putting on his finest English accent: “Good afternoon! I’d like twenty suits, thirty jackets, fifty pairs of trousers, and twenty-five dresses, please.”

The shop assistant squints and says, “You’re Irish, aren’t you?”

The lad replies, “Ah feck, how’d ya guess?”

The assistant smiles and says, “This is a dry cleaners.”

24 August 2025 – Amusements

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to address the crowd of drinkers. He says, ‘I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.’

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the man who left shows back up, taps the Texan on the shoulder, and asks, ‘Is your bet still good?'”

The Texan says ‘yes’ and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately, the Irishman tears into the 10 pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, ‘If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?’

The Irishman replies, ‘Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.’”

17 August 2025 – Amusements

It seems that the shops stock seasonal products earlier and earlier each year. Today I saw a birthday card, but my birthday isn’t until October. Utterly ridiculous!

10 August 2025 – Amusements

My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday. That’s ridiculous – I didn’t even know it was her birthday!

3 August 2025 – Amusements

When my wife and I showed up at a very popular restaurant, it was crowded. I went up to the hostess and asked, “Will it be long?”

The hostess, ignoring me, kept writing in her book. I asked again, “How much of a wait?”

The woman looked up from her book and said, “Oh, about ten minutes.”

A short time later we heard an announcement over the loudspeaker: “Willette B. Long, your table is ready.”

27 July 2025 – Amusements

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn’t get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away.

Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.

He said, “Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn’t even make eye contact.”

“Oh,” said the waitress, “I thought you wanted more coffee.”