Amusements – Page 7 – The Moreton Pinkney Picayune

20 July 2025 – Amusements

A variation on one we’ve had before but with a different punchline.

One day, two guys decide to take a drive to a local grocery store to get some lunch. On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red. The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, “What the heck are you doing? You’re going to get us killed!”

Then the driver responded, “Don’t worry, my mother always drives like this.”

So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that, too, was red. The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said, “I thought I told you, you’re gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!”

The driver looked at the passenger and responded, “All right! I get it, but I told you my mother drives like this all the time!”

Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time it was green. The driver slammed on his breaks and stopped the car totally. “What the heck are you doing?”

The passenger screamed. “This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?”

“Well, my mother might be coming the other way,” the driver said.

13 July 2025 – Amusements

At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow of silence. Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, “I like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!” and he sits down. Silence ensues for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael gets his turn, and he says “I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I hate them!”

Once again, silence for 366 days (it’s leap year). The following Christmas, Brother Paul rises and says, “I am fed up with this constant bickering!”

6 July 2025 – Amusements

I’m giving up drinking for a month.

Sorry that came out wrong.

I’m giving up. Drinking for a month.

29 June 2025 – Amusements

When you find a good wife, not only do you gain a best friend and companion, but you also receive a driving instructor for life!

22 June 2025 – Amusements

NEW HOME WANTED !!!!!
I bought Lexi, an eight-week old German Shepherd puppy, as a surprise for my husband. It turns out, however, that he is allergic to dog hair so I am now urgently looking to find him a new home.

His name is Alan, he’s 61 years old, great at DIY, drives a nice car and plans wonderful holidays.

15 June 2025 – Amusements

“When I was in high school, there was a girl I loved so much, every time I walked past her locker I kissed it.”

“Did you ever go on a date?”

“No. It was bolted to the wall.”

8 June 2025 – Amusements

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After enquiring about each other’s health, one asked how the other’s husband was doing.

“Oh! Ted died last month. He went out to the garden to cut a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch.”

“Oh dear! I’m very sorry,” replied her friend, “What did you do?”

“Called and had a pizza delivered instead.”

1 June 2025 – Amusements

This originally came from our friend Erik Benson in France:

MY WIFE’S RIDE-ON LAWN MOWER IS NOW FOR SALE !

Here’s the story. It’s still hard to believe the way it turned out.

My wife said she wanted a ride-on lawn mower. She works all day and was always tired when she came home from work, and I thought that a ride-on lawn mower would help her get the yard work done quicker so she would have more time for the chores inside.

So, being the handy sort of guy that I am, I made her a ride-on lawn mower. I thought she would squeal with delight or something and give me a big hug. I even put a light on it so she could work at night (see photo below), after she finishes putting away the dinner dishes.

To this day I still can’t understand why some women are so hard to please!!

P.S.

I can see out of my left eye pretty good now and should be able to leave the hospital sometime next week!

25 May 2025 – Amusements

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop.

She confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it..???

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said. “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.”

“I know.” Said the Butcher with a smile.

“I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get and watch the expression on her face.”

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said.

“Son, go back to the Butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face”.

18 May 2025 – Amusements

A Texas farmer went on vacation to Australia. He met up with an Australian farmer who prouldly showed off his wheat field.

“That’s nothing” said the Texan. “Back home, we have wheat fields that are twice as large as this.”

Next the Australian pointed out his cattle.

“They’re nothing,” said the Texan. “Back home, we have longhorns that are twice as big as your cows.”

Just then, half a dozen kangaroos bounded across the road.

“What are those?” asked the Texan.

The Australian replied, “Don’t you have grasshoppers in Texas?”