Greg's Occasional News & Views
A man solves the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back.
Woman Stops Grizzly Attack with a .25 Calibre Pistol
A story of one woman’s self-control and marksmanship with a little .25 cal. against a fierce predator.
“While out hiking in Alberta, Canada with my husband we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive,” the woman recalled. “If I had not had my little .25 calibre Beretta with me I would not be here today!
“Just one shot to my husband’s knee was all it took. The bear got him and I was able to escape by walking away. It’s one of the best pistols in my collection!”
Continue reading “4 May 2025 – Amusements”A man takes his wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
The husband says, “Looks like he’s still celebrating!”
Continue reading “27 April 2025 – Amusements”A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 if we fail to fill your order! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant ears on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen.
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer’s table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, “You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that’s the first time in ten years we’ve been out of rye bread!”
Continue reading “20 April 2025 – Amusements”We’ve had this before but it never gets old because it is so accurate!
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the woman. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”
The woman below responded, “You must be in management.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault!”
Continue reading “13 April 2025 – Amusements”A young bride-to-be went to see her local priest to check on the preparations for her wedding.
“How can I help?” he asked.
“Well, Father”, she began, “it’s to do with my wedding dress. I was wondering what colour it should be.”
“The answer to that depends on your virtues, my dear”, replied the priest.
“What do you mean?” the innocent girl asked.
“It’s simple,” said the priest. “If you are pure and have not sinned, then you wear white.”
“And if…?” asked the girl.
“Otherwise, you wear blue,” explained the priest.
“Oh, I see. Thank you very much.” she said, and turned to go.
“Wait a moment.”, said the priest. “What color will you be wearing?”
“White!” said the girl.
“Oh good,” smiled the priest.
“…with hundreds of little blue polka dots.
A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said:
“We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays.”
Continue reading “30 March 2025 – Amusements”A guy sits down at a bar. “Is everything okay?” the bartender asks.
“My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”
The bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s a good thing… a little peace and quiet?”
“Yeah but today is the last day.”
Ken was fifty, and his wife Liz was forty-eight. They had a very old car. “I’m going to sell this car,” Ken said to Liz last month, but nobody wanted to buy it because it was old and did not run well.
Last Friday, Ken said to Liz, “I’ve got some work in Boxbury. Come with me and do your shopping there.” Liz was very happy, because her husband very seldom took her out, and she usually shopped in their small village.
Ken drove their old car to the River Dee. There was a ferry there, and cars and trucks crossed on it to the other side. It was the shortest way to Boxbury. The ferryman came to Ken and said, “A pound for the car and twenty-five pence for the passenger.”
Ken answered, “Take the car for a pound, but I’m not going to sell my wife for less than fifty pence.”
Continue reading “16 February 2025 – Amusements”Pretty sure we’ve had this before:
A drunk man sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick. He smelled awful, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest replied, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women; too much alcohol; contempt for your fellow man; sleeping around with prostitutes; and lack of bathing.”
The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be darned,” then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
The drunk answered, “Oh, I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
Continue reading “9 February 2025 – Amusements”