Greg's Occasional News & Views
Being English is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese television.
And the most English thing of all?
Suspicion of anything foreign.
Continue reading “14 November 2021 – Amusements”It’s been another week – what are the chances of that? I think the weather has finished its transition from late-summer/early-autumn to definitely autumn. Leaves are falling and/or have fallen off the trees, the temperature is decidedly autumnal with the occasional ground frost in the mornings and the clocks have changed so that it’s dark by 5.30 in the evening. One just wants to hunker down in front of a blazing fire.
Continue reading “7 November 2021”Two hillbillies are on the front porch sipping moonshine when a truck drives past loaded with rolls of sod.
“I’m a-gonna do that when I win that there lottery,” announced hillbilly #1.
“Do what?” asks hillbilly #2.
“Send my lawn out to git mowed.”
Continue reading “7 November 2021 Amusements”Well, it’s been a week – doesn’t time fly when you are enjoying yourselves. We’ve been busier than a one-armed paper hanger, it seems, even though we’re both retired and at least one of us (i.e., me) makes every effort to do as little as possible.
Continue reading “31 October 2021”A pretty young blonde stood at the bank cashier’s window and smiled. “I’d like to cash this check, please,” she said, handing it over.
The teller examined the check and said: “Could you identify yourself, Miss?”
For a moment the lovely girl’s brow creased over, then with a bright look she fumbled in her handbag and producing a mirror, glanced in it and with relief said, “Yes! It’s me, all right!”
The clerk said, “No Ma’am, you misunderstood me. We require a photo identification.”
The girl searched her bag again and found a picture with a group of people. “This is a recent family photo,” she explained. “That’s me, third from the left.”
Continue reading “31 October 2021 – Amusements”Well, it’s been a wild and wacky week. Lots of cloud and grey skies at the beginning of the week with gale force winds and torrential downpours (thankfully, mainly at night) but with abnormally high temperatures for the time of year (mid 60s Fahrenheit, 18 Celsius) and lots of humidity. By about Thursday, however, the wind changed direction and the temperatures plummeted. We’ve had lots of bright blue skies, lots of wind and “freezing” temperatures (it’s all relative, after all).
Continue reading “24 October 2021”Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
“How do you know, Sister? Have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?”
“Don’t be ridiculous – of course I have never taken alcohol myself”
“Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life”
“How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?”
“I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will know”
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
“Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks”, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman “… and could you put the vodka in a teacup?”
“Oh Lord!” exclaims the barman. “It’s not that drunk Nun again, is it?”
Continue reading “24 October 2021 – Amusements”A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.
The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they’re gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, “Sir, don’t you like your beer cold? Why don’t you start with one, and I’ll bring you a fresh one as soon as you’re low.”
The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Austria and one in Ireland. We made a vow to each other when they moved away that every Saturday night, we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers too, and we’re drinking together.”
The bartender thinks it’s a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy’s three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, “Knowing your tradition, I’d just like to say that I hope nothing has happened to one of your brothers.”
The man replies, “Oh, my brothers are fine — I just quit drinking.”
Continue reading “17 October 2021 – Amusements”I guess it’s true, there’s no point trying to deny it any longer – Autumn is on the way. The nights are drawing in, the leaves are turning and the mornings seem increasingly misty with an Autumnal feel. Mustn’t complain, really – the temperature is still very tolerable for the time of year but it’s all downhill from here, I’m afraid.
Continue reading “17 October 2021”Wednesday was one of those “Oh my gosh. What a glorious day!” kind of days. Bright, bright blue skies with wispy clouds drifting along on a gentle breeze on a pleasantly warm Autumnal day with bright, crisp sunshine. Such a beautiful day it makes you want to stop and enjoy it. So, I did.
Continue reading “10 October 2021”