5 September 2021 – Amusements

My wife and I had just finished a meal at one of our local restaurants when I realized I’d left my wallet at home. As the wife headed to the door to retrieve her purse from the car, she told the waitress what had happened, adding, “But don’t worry, I’m leaving my husband as collateral.”

The waitress took one look at me and asked her, “What else you got?”

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15 August 2021 – Amusements

RUNNING LATE: Official Glossary

“On the way.” – Still in bed.

“In the car.” – In the shower.

“GPS says 35 min.” – Getting ready.

“There’s traffic.” – Leaving the house.

“Parking now.” – 15 minutes out.

“Can’t find a spot.” – 5 minutes out.

“Walking in.” – Looking for a spot.

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8 August 2021 – Amusements

A Greek tourist visits the United States on his first overseas trip. Upon arrival at the Immigration desk, he is visibly puzzled filling out his visa application. The immigration officer looks over the man’s shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write ‘Twice a week’ into the small space labelled “SEX”.

The officer explains “No, no, no, that isn’t what we mean by this question. We are asking Male or Female.”

The tourist answers, “Does it matter?”

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1 August 2021

After endless weeks and months of lockdown, it’s been an extraordinarily busy week. We explored a “new” (to us) walk, had a visitor come to visit, undertook an outing up to the big city, and enjoyed a lovely evening with village friends for cocktails, canapes and croquet. If this is what Freedom from Covid restrictions is going to be like, I am not going to be able to stand the pace.

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1 August 2021 – Amusements

After years being away from the Church a man begins to feel the spiritual pull again, so he decides to go to confession. He pulls aside the curtain on the confessional box, enters and sits himself down.

Inside there is an over-stuffed leather armchair next to a little mini-bar equipped with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, imported beer on ice, cigars and a box of liqueur chocolates.

He hears a priest enter the other side of the box. “Father, forgive me. It’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

The priest replies, “Get out of there, you idiot. You’re on my side!”

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25 July 2021

Scorcio, scorcio, scorcio! Temperatures have been up in the high 20s/low 30s (low to high 80s) all week which, as I said last time, is pretty unusual around here. The Met Office issued its first ever extreme heat warning for much of the country, Moreton Pinkney included. We’re used to flood warnings and storm and gale warnings but never an extreme heat warning.

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25 July 2021 – Amusements

We’ve had it before . . .

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and after a big fight they were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Important; wake me at 5:00 AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 8:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

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