And a Happy Christmas to you all – I hope you had a lovely time with, preferably, families and/or friends. Although our Christmas Day was relaxed (just the two of us), we had a fabulous time with Adam, Ava and Jessie on Christmas Eve and today we are looking forward to Nick, Lucy and Annabelle as well as Adam, Ava and Jessie coming here for some more celebratory diversions. (Provided none of us test positive for Covid in the meantime and also provided the idiot currently occupying Number 10 doesn’t realise that he should have implemented restrictions long ago and decides to finally do the right thing today. On second thoughts, there’s no chance of him doing the right thing so I think we’re OK on that score).
Last Saturday we had a great evening out at the Warwick Castle Christmas Light Trail. Although not quite as extensive as the lights at Blenheim the other week, these were still pretty, pretty spectacular and it was great fun. We all made our way to Nick and Lucy’s where we had a plethora of Christmas nibbles and then off to the Castle. We were especially delighted that Nick felt well enough to come along and we all had a splendid time.
Marvellous!
Wednesday, of course, was my birthday – another year older but almost certainly no wiser. We were to have gone out to dinner with Adam, Ava and Jessie to a tapas place they’ve been to a couple of times and which comes highly recommended. Sadly, due to the Omicron surge we decided to cancel – we’ll go sometime when things settle down a bit. Instead, my sweetheart prepared me a delicious birthday breakfast (possibly my favourite – scrambled eggs and smoked salmon on some award-winning sourdough toast). And then, she doubled down and prepared a fabulous birthday dinner. I guess she must love me as she prepared two things she would never personally eat – mussels and roast leg of lamb. Absolutely delicious and I have to confess to enjoying myself immensely while she feasted on a salmon salad.
Once again Penny found the perfect birthday card although what I want to know is how do they keep getting those pictures of me without my knowing? And Nick, Lucy and Annabelle very kindly gave me some winter garments intended to keep me warm and toasty. Penny reckons it’s a definite improvement.
My (Virtual) Christmas Day bike ride took me to the charming metropolis of Clines Corners, New Mexico. As with much of this section of Route 66, there’s not much to see or do in Clines Corners apart from the Travel Centre. I guess it’s as good a place as any to tuck into a turkey sandwich or two.
It’s a real challenge keeping up with all the “You Could Not Make It Up” news each week – so many to choose from. I decided to just share one with you today – another example of Darwinism in action. Apparently, those who believe that the 5G network is an evil conspiracy have taken to wearing “anti-5G” pendants to “protect” themselves from radio frequencies emitted by phone masts.
Great idea! Except that they are radioactive and a threat to their health.
And so, all that remains is to recount the Christmas story of Lovable Louise once again.
Lovable Louise — a Christmas Story
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty and grew increasingly threadbare.
One year I decided to make his dream come true.
I put on sunglasses and a fake beard and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don’t sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you’ve never been in such a store, don’t go. You’ll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, “What does this do?” “You’re kidding me!” “Who owns that?” and “Do you have their phone number?”
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. I’m not sure what a complicated doll is. Perhaps one that is subject to wild mood shifts and using a French accent for no reason at all. (That also describes a few ex-girlfriends.) Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I figured the “vibro-motion” was a feature Jay could live without, so I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a “doll” took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front door key hidden under the mat. In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I snuck into the house and filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.
Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him very happy but had left the dog confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover straight.
We also agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except that we forgot that Grandma and Grandpa would be there.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. “What the hell is that?” she asked. My brother quickly explained.
It’s a doll.
“Who would play with something like that?” Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. “Where are her clothes?” Granny continued. I hadn’t seen any in the box, but I kept this information to myself.
“Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,” Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.
“Why doesn’t she have any teeth?”
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, “Hang on Granny, Hang on!”
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, “Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?” I told him she was Jay’s friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realised this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise’s collapse.
We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot fireplace ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
Meanwhile, keep happy, keep smiling, keep isolating as much as you can, wear a f**king facemask when you go out and keep your distance. And keep safe.
Lots of love to you all,
Greg