Author: Greg

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End. On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air or beneath the sea. The Americans were incredulous.

Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

“Jacky,” said the tour guide, “what are you tracking and what are you listening for?”

The aborigine replied, “Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It’s red. The left front tire is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 fellas in the back, all drinking warm beer. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat.”

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

“Wow, man! How do you know all that?” asked one American.

The Aborigine replied, “I fell out of the thing about half an hour ago.”

A woman is in her ninth month of pregnancy and feeling very uncomfortable. On top of everything, her pleas for sympathy seemed to go unnoticed by her husband.

One day she told him, “I hope in your next life you get to be pregnant!”

He replied, “I hope in your next life you get to be married to someone who’s pregnant!”

Billy-Bob and Bubba were sitting in back of their trailers shooting the breeze.

Billy-Bob asked Bubba, “If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an’ slept with your wife, an’ she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?”

Bubba scratched his head for a bit then said, “I don’t think so…. but it sho would make us even.”

Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor.

“One thing about Jim,” his buddy said to the bartender, “he knows when to stop.”