Greg – Page 56 – The Moreton Pinkney Picayune

14 February 2021 – Amusements

In honour of Valentine’s Day, a selection of amusements loosely connected with love . . .

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish!”

7 February 2021

Astonishing! Another quiet week. Having said that, I did have a real Red Letter Day yesterday – I had my first Covid-19 vaccination. Our local medical centre has teamed up with two others and all the vaccinations are carried out at the Weedon Medical Centre a few miles up the road.

7 February 2021 – Amusements

A dog in Seattle is making news after commuters noticed it had been riding the bus to a local park all by itself. Everyone says the dog is amazing, while the dog said, panicking, “I gotta find that blind guy. I’m in a lot of trouble if I don’t find him.”

31 January 2021

And so, another quiet week passes quietly by. The twice weekly medication distribution around the village are the highlights of our week. Other than that, it’s like playing this version of Monotony which a friend shared with us.

I have mainly been occupying the light blue-coloured Lounge-related properties and I have options in on each of the four toilets (although I might let Penelope have one for herself).

31 January 2021 – Amusements

The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialled the first and explained our situation.

After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do for you; I’m a psychologist.”

“A psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can’t you help us?”

“Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?

24 January 2021

Well, it’s been another quiet week – quelle surprise! I am pleased to say, though, that the village is medicated (the local drug dealer visited numerous properties during the week), the bike keeps us both busy, (in my case up steep and never-ending climbs from le Tour de France), we survived the worst that Storm Christoph could throw at us, we had a pleasant walk along a nearby canal on the one calm, sunny day we had this week and joyfully witnessed the departure of the stench of Washington and the inauguration of a new, more grown-up President of the United States. And, we celebrated Burns’ Night with a Zoom dinner last night with the rest of the village. So, for it being another quiet week, we seem to have been pretty busy! How does that work?

24 January 2021 – Amusements

A man and his friend were exiting a drugstore and at the front door there was a scale.

“Look, a scale,” the man said to his friend. “Let’s see how my new diet is working out.”

He stepped on the scale.

“I can’t believe it!” he said as he read the result. “I’ve been on this diet for two weeks but the scale says I’m heavier than I was before! How can that be?”

He pondered this as he stepped off the scale, then had a thought. He took off his jacket and handed it to his friend. “Here, hold my jacket,” he said.

The friend took the jacket as the man stepped back on the scale.

Not much change.

“Here,” he said as he handed his purchase from the drugstore to his friend. “Hold my Twinkies too.”

17 January 2021

You will be astonished to hear that things have been pretty quiet this week! What are the chances of that? We’re in the midst of our third lockdown, of course, and therefore we’ve been pretty much confined to quarters apart from the highlight of our weekly routines – delivering medications around the village on Tuesdays and Thursdays! Comme c’est excitant!

17 January 2021 – Amusements

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You’re Drunk:

Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon.

Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You’re Drunk:

Specificity; Cogito ergo sum; British; Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate.

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You’re Drunk:

Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex; Nope, no more booze for me; Sorry, but you’re not really my type; Good evening, officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight? Oh, I just couldn’t– no one wants to hear me sing!

10 January 2021

Sorry, but you could not make it up.

And, for once I am not talking about the egregious incompetence of our Prime Minister’s response to the coronavirus pandemic, nor even the shambolic misadventure that is Brexit and the catalogue of unintended consequences which are now becoming evident. Although there was more content than I could possibly make use of this week in both those categories, this week’s ultimate WTF moment was clearly Wednesday’s storming of Congress by Trump’s militia.