Greg's Occasional News & Views
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text;
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
He replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advise.” Continue reading “10 March 2019 – Amusements”
Good week, bad week. Rather like the good cop, bad cop interrogation methods sometimes employed against hardened criminals, this week’s weather was similar – good (bordering on great) weather for the first part of the week (records were broken!); a reversion to normalcy from Thursday onwards with the usual cooler temperatures, rain and gale force winds.
Continue reading “3 March 2019”A FEW SIMPLE RULES FOR HAPPY LIVING:
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
Avoid arguments with women about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
For high blood pressure sufferers – simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.
A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. You’ll be afraid to cough.
You only need two tools in life – WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and it does, use the duct tape.
If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.
Daily thought: Some people are like Slinkies…not really good for much but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs. Continue reading “3 March 2019 – Amusements”
Another good week – decent enough weather, more progress on the building project, a sleep over and an outing with Annabelle. What could be better than that?
Continue reading “24 February 2019”A man invites his friend back home for dinner. The wife pulls him into the bedroom and hisses at him, “I haven’t fixed my hair, done my make-up, I haven’t even done any housework much less cook any dinner! Why the fuck did you invite him around for?”
“Because he’s thinking about getting married.” Continue reading “24 February 2019 – Amusements”
We’ve had some absolutely gorgeous days this week – who’d have thought it was mid-February! The temperature reached the lofty heights of 12 C (nearly 54 F) on Thursday and the skies were clear, bright and sunny. One could almost be convinced that Spring was imminent.
Continue reading “17 February 2019”An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at person and tell that person’s age. The Irishman was very sceptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. “Is that right?” he asked the boy.
“Oh yes.” the boy said.
The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.
The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn’t believe, turned back around and stomped his foot twice.
Whereupon the Irishman stumbled back and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, “BeGabbers, he’s right! Farty-two!” Continue reading “17 February 2019 – Amusements”
Now that I have become an old man, I increasingly value routines, especially those which require no thought and can always be done in the same order as if by rote, preferably half asleep, like brushing one’s teeth.
Continue reading “10 February 2019”One March day my wife said that the house needed painting.
“It’s still winter,” I replied. “Forget it.”
In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex. I said that it was still too cold to paint.
In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and we set up the ladder so she could start painting. Then I went inside to get a beer. As I sat in a lawn chair not far from where my wife was working, a neighbor passed by. “Aren’t you ashamed?” she asked. “How can you sit there drinking beer while your wife is up on a ladder painting the house?”
Glancing up at my wife, I responded, “She doesn’t like beer.” Continue reading “10 February 2019 – Amusements”
And so it begins – February arrived on Friday and we had our first significant snowfall of the season. Nothing like our friends in less temperate climates – no polar vortexes to deal with – and no real traffic or transport issues but still colder than we’d like it to be, even if Jessie does think it’s marvellously good fun.
Continue reading “3 February 2019”