Author: Greg

12 March 2017

More wind and rain but I guess that’s what is meant by “March comes in like a lion, and goes out like a lamb.” Let’s hope the lamb part turns out to be true.

We did have a goodish afternoon last Saturday so we decided, as we sometimes do, to take a stride across the countryside. When we had the dogs, of course, we were out striding every day, morning and afternoon, sunshine or rain and fine it was too. Now though, when the weather outside is howling and sheeting it down with sleet and stinging rain, it’s much more pleasant to sit by the fire and put the world to rights.

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12 March 2017 – Amusements

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s up?” he asks.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“You bastard!” says the husband. “My wife’s having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?” Continue reading “12 March 2017 – Amusements”

5 March 2017

Another wild and (somewhat) windy week. When Storm Doris scampered across the UK last week and went on to rampage through the Netherlands and Northern Europe, we imagined that we would now get a bit of respite from the wild and windy weather. And we did – a bit. Nothing like the wind gusts of Doris but plenty of rain and strong winds interspersed with some bright days which tried to persuade you that Spring might be hiding just around the corner. The snowdrops are out in all their glory and the daffodils are just peeking their heads above the surface – is it safe to come out yet?

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5 March 2017 – Amusements

A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago biting his finger nails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, “Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?”

The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. She comes back with a drink and he downs it quickly. Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees the same man shaking and biting his nails. She brings him another drink which he swallows immediately.

A half hour later she returns to see that the man is shaking uncontrollably, and apparently crying. “My goodness,” the flight attendant says, “I’ve never seen someone so afraid to fly.”

“I’m not afraid of flying,” says the man sobbing loudly, “I’m trying to give up drinking.” Continue reading “5 March 2017 – Amusements”

26 February 2017

Wow! What a weather week! Mild temperatures and “so-so” weather interrupted with a vengeance on Thursday by Storm Doris which sped across the country from west to east bringing gale force winds, some destruction, one fatality and heaps of snow in Scotland and the north. Apparently, it was dubbed a “weather bomb” where a front develops rapidly with a significant drop in pressure in a very short period of time. We escaped with no damage but the winds were so significant that we had to leave our gates open to let the breeze howl through to prevent them blowing off their fixings and dancing around the garden.

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26 February 2017 – Amusements

To the irritation of the judge, a man was trying to be excused from jury duty. “Tell me,” began the judge, “is there any good reason why you cannot serve as a juror in the trial?”

The man replied, “I don’t want to be away from my job that long.”

“Can’t they do without you at work?” demanded the judge.

“Yes,” admitted the juror. “But I don’t want them to realize it.” Continue reading “26 February 2017 – Amusements”

19 February 2017 – Amusements

On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the under ground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.

“What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?” I joked.

“It would go out,” he replied very matter-of-factly.

“Really?” I asked, surprised to hear that. “Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?”

“No,” my co-worker continued. “The force from the explosion would most likely blow it out.” Continue reading “19 February 2017 – Amusements”

12 February 2017 – Amusements

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They are appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?” Continue reading “12 February 2017 – Amusements”