The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”
“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.
“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some scumbag using my stuff.”
She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another scumbag?”
Category: Amusements
18 February 2024 – Amusements
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
‘How do you feel about sex?’ he asked, rather tentatively.
‘I would like it infrequently’ she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered, ‘Is that one word or two?’
11 February 2024 – Amusements
My friend returns from Africa and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of tests. My friend wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. “This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!”
“Oh my gosh,” cries my friend, “What are you going to do, doctor?”
“Well we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me?” asks my friend.
The doctor replies, “Well no, but it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
Continue reading “11 February 2024 – Amusements”
4 February 2024 – Amusements
During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, the lady sighed and said, “You know, if something happened to Lloyd, I don’t think I could ever marry again.”
Her friend nodded sympathetically. “I know what you mean,” she said. “Once is enough.”
28 January 2024 – Amusements
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. “I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?”
“There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”
14 January 2024 – Amusements
If Carl sleeps six hours and requires two cups of coffee before he will get the baby, and Virginia sleeps four hours in 20-minute increments on the floor next to the baby, how many times can Carl tell Virginia he’s “so tired” before she schedules his vasectomy?
Continue reading “14 January 2024 – Amusements”7 January 2024 – Amusements
During a robbery, one of the robbers’ mask slid down.
He looked at a man and asked, “Did you see my face?”
The man replied, “Yes!” and the robber immediately shot him.
Then he asked a woman, “Did you see my face?”
She replied, “No, but my husband over there did.”
Continue reading “7 January 2024 – Amusements”31 December 2023 – Amusements
Not to brag but . . .
I just went into another room AND actually remembered what it was I went in there for.
Sure, it was the bathroom, but still . . .
Continue reading “31 December 2023 – Amusements”24 December 2023 – Amusements
The Christmas tradition that is the story of the Lovable Louise:
Continue reading “24 December 2023 – Amusements”17 December 2023 – Amusements
I originally had this from my father some time ago:
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I’d like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “Well, why didn’t you tell me you had a prescription?”
Continue reading “17 December 2023 – Amusements”